The Awesome Rawsons

OH! The Places You Will Go

2010-12-31T08:34:00.000-08:00

Its the last day of 2010 and the final 24 hours of a decade. 10 years since I left home for the first time. 9 years since I bought my first car.. 8 years since the best summer ever. 7 years since I met my husband. 6 years since Chandra died. 5 years since I have graduated college. 4 years since I first became a mother. 3 years since my nephew defied all odds of living. 2 years since I became a mother for the second time. 1 year since I bought my first house. And a month and a half since I ran my first 1/2 marathon.

When standing upon the edge of a new beginning, I can't help but ask: Where have you been? What moments have marked your past? Which people have etched themselves into those memories; some by coming into your life and others by leaving? Which expectations were met and which ones failed? How has God surprised you this past year? What ideals became realities? What will you do differently this coming year?

Dr. Seuss wrote a book called "Oh, The Places You Will Go." A good friend of mine introduced me to this book 6 years ago and I've loved it ever since. Are you familiar with it? Its a great book for new beginnings. It reminds me that I've got what I need (brains in my head and feet in my shoes) to wend my own way. It reminds me of the possibilities of life...the potential of the future.

OH! THE PLACES YOU WILL GO by Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.
You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.
And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.
Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.
Oh! The Places You’ll Go!
You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.
You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.
I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.
You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.
You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.
And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?
And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.
You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.
No! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!
Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.
I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.
And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.
But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.
You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)
Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!

Oh the places we will go in this new year...in this new DECADE. This is the season for fresh slates...for resolutions and changes...for new plans and adventures. Where are you going? Who are the people that will be etched in when you look back on 2011 next December 31st? Oh the places we will go without even knowing that we're going there. The places that we never thought we were strong enough to go to we may actually go to this year. Oh, the places we've always dreamed of going to and the ones we wish we could have avoided we may be part of our memories of 2011.

May you climb your mountains this year, remembering to smile on your way up; knowing that you have brains in your head and feet in your shoes. Knowing that although you cannot control life, you can control how you respond to it. Believing that you can be the change you want to see. Happy 2011 my friends. Get on your way!

2010-08-01T16:24:00.000-07:00

Naked

2010-07-01T13:45:00.000-07:00

There is a moment every day, that I pause to see myself. As the water runs behind me in the tub, I peel off my clothes. I turn to the side and inspect my back; craning my neck in wonder and always doubting the honesty of my own eyes. I trace the smooth lines of my hips and stomach; evaluate their loyalty and decide whether or not to be disappointed. There are bruises where i've pinched and pulled the skin around my sides. Soreness where i've pushed and tested and demanded much of myself. I suck in the air around me and step tip toed into the shower. The water is warm and washes away the outside. I look down at my belly and watch the little streams of water pool in the center of my belly button. Is this the way it should look? My hands move to the soft fleshy slope of my abdomen and then down the sides of my legs. Are they bigger today? And then, I hear it. There is a voice that intersects my thoughts. It is calm and wiser than the self deprecation that scorns my thoughts.
"You are not damaged. You are enough. Everything is okay at this moment right where you are." I question this voice, but only slightly. She seems older than I and much stronger. I decide to believe her. "These outer parts do not determine your inner parts. They do not make you a better or worse mother, wife, friend, sister, or daughter. Let go. Let yourself accept them. Love them."
I close my eyes and feel a warmth dance from my rib cage up to my throat. Present in the moment, I feel whole. I feel bliss. I feel loved and accepted.
I shut off the water and pull open the shower curtain. Faced with my own reflection, I smile at my naked self. Everything is just the way it should be; no betrayals, no disappointment, no disparagement.

Ordinary day

2010-06-14T21:55:00.000-07:00

Awake. 6:20am. Shuffle to the bathroom. Put in contacts. Wipe mascara from under eyes. Pull on gym clothes. Sigh deeply. Tie back hair. Eat cereal. Brush teeth. Prepare car food for babies. Grab Jared's lunch. Load kids into car. Drive 24 miles to drop Jared off at work. Sing along to Dr. Seuss DVD. Head to Gym. Drop off kids. Call friend. Vent to friend. Cry to friend. Friend gives 2.5 hours worth of therapeutic advice. Meanwhile, bike 10 miles. Feel like quitting. Run 3.5. Rock the abs. Pick up kids. Sanitize hands. Walk to consignment shop. Run after Jack. Call for Sadie. Dig through size 6 shoes. Run after Jack. Hold him as he squirms and screams to try on shoe. Release him. Dig through size 7 shoes. Call for Jack. Look for Jack. Retrieve Jack from employee-only storeroom area. Try 3 more shoes on him. Release Jack. Call for Sadie. Decide on shoes. Call for Jack. Look for Jack. Retrieve Jack from store manager. Return items Jack pulled from shelves. Return to shoes. Look for Sadie. Look for Jack. Remove Jack from jogging stroller on display. Make way to counter to pay for shoes. Notice jogging stroller moving. Remove Jack screaming from stroller. Answer phone. Remove Sadie from stroller. Kiss a boo boo. Return to counter. Pay for shoes. Call for Jack. Find him with store manager. Exit store. Walk back to gym. Strap kids into the car. Sanitize hands. Distribute granola bars and water. Drive to Kohls. Search for a cart with a double stroller aspect. Find one 7 carts deep into the row. Load kids into cart. Go to customer service to return item. Return to car to find receipt. Go back inside store. Head to the bathroom. Return to customer service counter. Return item. Search for shorts. No luck. Exit Kohls. Load kids into the car. Search for binkie. Text a friend. Call a friend. Head to Post Office. Look for custom's forms. No luck. Attempt to figure out best way to ship package to Iraq. No luck. Wait in line. Retrieve tic tacs from Sadie. Stop Jack from pushing a little girl. Apologize to little girl and her mother on behalf of Jack. Call for Sadie. Wait in line. Watch postal worker speak to customers in condescending tone. Make sympathetic eye contact with three customers who interacted with angry postman. Imagine myself going off on mean postman. Call for Sadie. Comfort Jack. Wait in line. Wait in line. Wait. In. Line. Arrive at head of line. Seek advice of postman. Thank Heaven that its not the condescending one. Fill out Custom's form. Seek advice regarding the proper way to address package. Address package. Pay $5. Watch postman attach Custom's form. Realize my Daddy's in Iraq. Feel lump in throat. Begin to cry. Take a deep breath. Call for Sadie. Walk to Car. Load up kids. Drive to H-E-B. Find awesome parking spot. Unload kids. Walk into store. Look for "race car" shopping cart. No luck. Walk to other side of giant store to find race car. No luck. Load kids into non-race car shopping cart. Compensate for lack of race car by giving both children a balloon and sucker (given free at the door). Sample cheese. Observe the lobsters. Start shopping. Deep sigh. Contemplate the budget. Strategically purchase food in a calculated manner as not to waste a penny. Deny requests for candy. Search for Jared's favorite BBQ chips. Put chips in basket. Realize Jack has eaten through unopened sucker and is covered in red stickiness. Cross length of the store to restroom. Wash Jack's hands. Wash Sadie's hands. Wash front of shopping cart. Exit restroom. Back to shopping. Finish and pay. Begin to leave. Turn around to retrieve "Buddy Buck's" per request of screaming 3 year old. Take Buddy Bucks to claw-arm vending machine. Try to put fake Buddy Buck money into vending machine. No luck. Machine broken. Comfort Sadie. Comfort Jack. Cross the length of big ass store for the 6th time. Find another "Buddy" machine. Put buck into machine. Allow Sadie to retrieve stickers from machine. Give Jack a turn. Attempt to help Jack. Get slapped. Try to calm Jack. Attempt to help him again. Get slapped. Threaten to leave. Try to help Jack. Get slapped. Start to walk away. Sadie starts to cry on Jack's behalf. Help Jack get stickers. Leave store. Load kids into car. Distribute apple juice. Load groceries into the car. Return cart. Answer phone. Argue with husband. Eat sushi. Drive home. Unload kids. Unload groceries. Put groceries away. Feel like sitting on couch. Make lunch for the kids. Check Facebook. Comment on status updates. Feel lonely. Change diaper. Change clothes. Find Binkie. Find lovey. Bring kids upstairs for a nap. Clean kitchen. Begin to prep for dinner. Wake kids. Eat a banana. Load kids into the car. Drive 24 miles to USAA. Check in with security at the gate. Receive text message. Husband working late. Search for a library. Exit USAA's campus. Drive to library. Answer phone. Husband is ready. Return DVDs to library. Return to USAA to pick up husband. Call husband. Check in with security at the gate. Enter campus. Drive to parking garage. Pick up husband. Drive home. Unload kids. Check for scorpions. Finish cooking dinner. Clean kitchen. Eat tofu stir fry. Decide to mow the lawn. Attempt to put gas into the mower. Spill gas everywhere. Clean up gas. Mow the lawn. Edge the grass. Close garage. Go inside. Peel off clothes. Jump in shower. Breathe deeply. Think about ice cream. Wash. Dry. Clothe. Find Jack in bathroom. Hear Sadie in her room. Kiss Jack good night. Tuck Sadie into bed. Snuggle. Sing "You are my Sunshine" and the "Lullabye Song". Collect dirty clothes. Run downstairs. Think about ice cream. Put away left overs. Clean the kitchen. Feel like quitting. Think about ice cream. Wipe the table. Put clothes into washer. Pick up toys. Vacuum living room. Think about ice cream. Contemplate stopping. Sweep kitchen and dining room. Mop floors. Open freezer. Find ice cream. Scoop ice cream into bowl. Open refrigerator. Find raspberry sauce. Swirl sauce onto ice cream. Sit down. Breathe. Savor. Every. Bite. Of ice cream. Turn on computer.Check email. Look through family pictures. Write e-mail. Check facebook. Read updates. Make comments. Sign into blog. Begin to write. Decide to write for myself and no one else. Find a sense of self gratification. 11:53pm. Ready to sleep.

Lessons on emotions

2010-01-18T06:51:00.000-08:00

Sitting at the kitchen table feeding Jack. Sadie walks in and climbs on top of a chair in a cowgirl skirt and a big black bow in her hair:
"Are you hungry, Sadie?"
" Nahhhh...I'm not hungry, I'm disappointed."
I'm caught off guard by such a grand articulation from my tiny 3 year old.
"Why are you disappointed, Sadie."
"Because I can't play with my toys."
"You can play with your toys, baby."
"I can't do it because I need to get in the hop-tub."
Apparently, Sadie wanted to go swimming, but it was too cold so she set her heart upon the "hop-tub."

Standing at the sink, washing dishes. Sadie walks in and hides behind my leg. She's twisting her feet and leaning against the cabinet below the sink. Her face is drooped into what my daddy calls a "puppy dog face."

"What's the matter, Sadie?"
"I'm sad."
"Why are you sad?"
"Because my daddy makes me sad."
"Aweee....how did daddy make you sad?"
"Because he make me sad and he's not my best friend."
"Who's your best friend?"
"Daddy not my best friend anymore."
"Daddy's not your best friend?"
"No. He won't let me have the ball and he's not my best friend. My heart is broke."
I peer into the living room and see Jared laying on the floor tossing a ball into the air.
"Jared! You better let Sadie play with that ball! You broke her heart and she says you're not her best friend anymore!"
He chuckled in amusement and called out to Sadie, who played ball for a few minutes and then snuggled next to him on the floor.

roadtrip: its not all kicking and screaming

2010-01-02T08:35:00.000-08:00

TodaysMama Meme

2009-12-08T11:09:00.000-08:00

TodaysMama and Provo Craft are giving away a sleighful of gifts this holiday season and to enter I’m sharing this meme with you.
1. What 5 items are on your holiday wish list this year?

A DVR (i'm dreaming on this one, but its a "wish list" right?)
Lovely (by Sarah Jessica Parker)
Painting lessons
A nice camera (again, "wish" ing)
A purse that doubles as a scaled-down diaper bag that dosesn't LOOK like a diaper bag.

2. What is your favorite handmade gift you have received?

I treasure handmade gifts. Paintings, jewelry, childrens clothing, hair clips, blankets it would pain me to choose a favorite!

3. What handmade gift have you always wanted to tackle?

Vinyl lettering

4. What was the best Christmas gift you received as a child?

I honestly loved getting new clothes

5. What items are on your kid’s wish list this year?

Sadie has made it quite clear that she wants a "choo choo train" and a scooter
Jack will get something with balls

6. What is your favorite holiday food?

Can it be a drink? If so, hot chocolate!!!

7. What will you be hand-crafting for the holidays?

I can't say exactly because they might read this! A shadow box project and decorative wall art.

8. What is your favorite holiday movie?

'White Christmas'

9. Favorite holiday song?

'Silent Night'

10. Favorite holiday pastime?

I love baking for the holidays.

When you're done creating your post, make sure to email them a link to your post at info@todaysmama.com with “Wish List Meme” in the subject line.

Will it survive?

2009-12-02T13:07:00.000-08:00

So the tree survived the drive home. But can it survive THIS:

First he unraveled the ribbon from the ornament, then he ate it. Like an apple. In fact, he said "Ahh-pull" as he bit into it. Yes, that is soot on his face. He ate a candle before I caught him. Of course, that was before I heard the crash of half the lights and ornaments being pulled from the tree. Lest you think I'm a neglectful mother, all of this occurred within two minutes of me putting underpants on my two year old. Sad looking, isn't it?

this is what happens when...

2009-12-01T09:26:00.000-08:00

When its 9:30pm and you're tired. There's a Saint's game on, but you're missing it because your wife insists on putting up the Christmas decorations tonight. Home Depot has the bungee cords you need so that you can strap the tree to the roof of your car, but does not have a viable Christmas tree. So you make your purchase and drive to another store to purchase the tree. The tree place is closed for the night. Your wife's throat lumps and she is about to cry. The store workers have compassion upon her and allow you to purchase a Christmas tree, but you must act quickly. You hastily pick a tree and while she is paying, you strap it, with your newly bought bungee cords, to the roof of your car. Its going on 10pm. Your kids need to get to bed. You want to see how the Saint's game turned out (though you know they stomped the Patriots. Who Dat!) Your wife is thirsty, tired, and wants to start decorating the tree. She pulls out of the HEB store parking lot a little too quickly. And there, on Texas state Highway 281 your tree shoots off of the top of your car like a launched missile. You scream explicatives and slap the dash as you watch cars dart around your newly purchased symbol of the Christmas season. Your wife pulls over and you run out onto the 6 laned highway and rescue and recover the Christmas tree. Your wife is on the roof of the car unlatching the ~~worthless~~ bungee cords. However, you are not moving. You are thinking. She wonders why you are not moving. She is cold and wants to get home. You inform her you are contemplating the method of transport for the tree. The decision that will allow you to get home to your Saint's game and warm bed? Shove the Christmas tree inside of the car. Sit ontop of your children in the back seat of the car. And then have your wife drive carefully home. But not before stopping at Sonic to reward your hard work, perseverance, and cleverness.

Favorite part of the day.

2009-11-24T15:17:00.000-08:00

I like TV. Most people consider that to be lowbrow, but I can't help it. I mean, I love to read and listen to classical music, and attend the theatre, and go to art museums, and write poetry too, but sometimes I just want my brain to be sucked out by good ole' american TV. I do NOT, however, like the commercials and its nearly impossible to catch every luscious moment of dry wit during 30 Rock with two children begging for your attention. So, thus enters my favorite part of the day (or night). The part where Jared and I put our kids in their ~~cages~~ beds and plug our laptop into our big beautiful TV and watch our favorite TV shows off the internet; the ones we missed while cleaning up poo, cooking dinner, and bathing babies.

For my birthday, I bought myself an extra large, super soft throw for the couch. I nuzzle into the corner of the sectional with said cuddly throw, sometimes a yummy treat, and my sweet hubby. I'm giddy with excitement and anticipation. What sort of inappropriate HR nightmare will Michael Scott get himself into this episode? How manipulatively crass will House be as he attempts to properly diagnose a medical mystery? When will Mr. Shue find out that his wife is faking her pregnancy? SHHHHH!!! Its starting!

And then, ::thump, thump, thump::
Pause.
"Do you hear that?"
"No. That was me tapping my foot on the couch."
"No. Sadie's awake."
"Well go check on her, then." I say, slightly annoyed at the interruption of my brain sucking session.
I feel bad that I'm annoyed so I follow Jared up the stairs just to make sure Sadie's okay.
She's got the light on, toys on her bed, and she's reading to herself. My heart smiles and projects itself onto my face. Jared and I look at each other beaming and head back downstairs.

We start the shows again. A little later I hear "MAAAAAMAAAAAAAA!" The shows are over now.
I run up the stairs and see Sadie. "POOOO POOOO! I gotta go POO POO!!"
We go to the bathroom, handle up on business, and Jared returns her to her room while I shut things down in the kitchen. I head up the stairs to hear laughter. Jared and Sadie are tucked into her little bed talking and laughing. I decide to join them and wiggle my way through the covers and jam myself between the wall and my Sadie bug.
"Mama, you want to cuddle with me?"
"Yes!"
"I gonna be the choo choo train and we gonna go to the tunnel, right Mama?"
"Sure, Sadie!"
"Choo choooooooo"
She's smiling because she's smooshed in a love and adoration sandwich. Jared and I can't help but smile and exchange glances back and fourth when Sadie does or says something cute.
"I love your eyebrows, Mama."
"Well, I love your nose, and your eyes, and your hair," I list off, "and your lips, and your hands, and your feet..."
"And my boogers? You love my boogers, Mama?"
We roar in laughter as we answer.
Jared says "Eweeee...boogers. No, silly."
I say "Yes, Sadie. I love your boogers too."
Somehow the thought of not loving even this child's boogers makes me feel sad. I mean it. I love every piece of her. Even her boogers. And if one day Jack asks me about his boogers, I'll tell him the same. I love every bit of you. EVEN the boogers.

Come to find out, my favorite part of the day isn't really my favorite part at all. My favorite parts are all the parts that I get to love and be loved by my little family. Nothing on TV can beat that.

California

2009-11-04T21:42:00.000-08:00

There were three less people in our family last time Jared and I went to California for a visit back in 2006. Its hard to believe Sadie, Addison, and Jack were mere wishful thinking at the time.

Uncle Dale and Aunt Laura flew us out to visit them (and finally meet Addison!) in September. Anyone who has known me for a while has most likely heard stories of my summer/winter visits to California. And if you were listening, you probably figured out that those summers/winters hold some of the best memories of my life. Everyone should have happy places that they can retreat to and find refuge from the storms of everyday life. I am fortunate to have a couple of safe harbors where I can be myself despite any shortcoming, personality flaw, or failure. My family in California is one of my "happy places."

While there, we did lots of fun things. Of course, we didn't go there for the fun, we went there to spend time with our family. It doesn't hurt that they live in a place I'd call paradisaical, but i'd visit them if they lived in hell or even somewhere like the westbank of New Orleans (aka hell).

One of the first things we did was to visit a farm. I forgot the name, but the name didn't matter. This place was so cool! It was a working farm and you could buy what they grow at a little open-aired market at the front entrance. The pumpkins weren't up for show for a few days, but feeding the animals kept us plenty busy. Here, Jack is enjoying a pony ride.

Sadie, however, did NOT enjoy the pony. At all. Not. one. bit.
I love John Deere tractors. Not for any practical reasons, but more so for the image of being a cowgirl workin' the farm. This comes from a girl who once pointed out a horse that turned out to be a sheep. Here we see two cowgirls (Addison and Aunt Laura) workin' the farm on a mini John Deere.

Two of my cousins, Lexi and Addison.

Speaking of "fun things, Uncle Dale let Jared go for a ride in this thing. I think it goes 0 to 60 in like 3 seconds. We went to the Santa Barbara zoo while we were there. It was small, but BEAUTIFUL. The weather was perfect...not too hot, not too cold, blue skies...pacific ocean on one side, mountains on the other. They even had spa-like music playing in the background. We were able to get up close to most of the animals. Here are my two favorite monkeys:Sadie and Addison were great buddies. Where one was, the other followed. If one left, the other missed her. The air conditioning vents are in the floor of my aunt and uncle's house. Sadie thought this was quite amusing. Sadie really enjoys being outside. She'd take Addison's watering can and "water her garden" in the back yard.Jack liked to water the dogs.
We also took a trip to Disney while we were there. My cousin Cait goes to school near by and she met us there.
Little Minnie.This was the pinnacle of of the whole day. We stood in line for a very, very, long time because I knew it would be worth it to her.Waiting in line for Finding Nemo. L.A. was around 101 degrees that day, which is unusual. San Antonio was unusually cool. Of course, that's how it works, right?
Jack was pooped by the end of the day. This is how he rolled out of Disney.
It was a wonderful trip that felt waaaay too short. It took me a couple of weeks to shake the "sad to be home" blues. Thankfully, Uncle Dale, Aunt Laura, and Addison are coming to visit us here in San Antonio soon. Knowing that helped.

2009-11-04T21:29:00.000-08:00

I'm breaking the drought. Too many thoughts have gone unwritten out of fear that they aren't good enough to be shared. When did I forget that this is MY blog and I write it in for ME and not to please anyone? But I do. I do try to write to please. So then I don't write at all.

She is three

2009-10-10T21:14:00.000-07:00

She...is THREE! It seems like we've had her forever, though. And I mean that in a good way. In a "you-are-so-woven-into-the-fabric-of-my-very-being-I-can't-imagine-life-without-you" way.
Sadie is such a sweet, sweet girl. Rarely is she a handful, but rather a helping hand. Smart and curious, focused and thoughtful, filled with life. Lately, she's into making funny faces.She's also into "treasures." Treasures = anything shiny, small, and capable of fitting into a box that she can tote around and, to anyone who listens, proudly display her bobbles and trinkets. We took her to "the birthday store" (as she refers to it since its the toy store we frequent for friend's and family's birthday gifts) to pick out her present. Sadie, you see, rather help make the cake or pick out the present rather than simply eat the cake or rip into the paper wrapped gift. Here she is showing me a "treasure" (ring) she picked up in the toy store.

I love this store! They are so kid friendly and encourage the kids to play with the toys and explore the store. Jack found this awesome shopping cart. Its built EXACTLY like the buggies you'd find in a real grocery store...heavy metal, sturdy, swiveling front wheels.

Here's another Funny Face!
Sadie picked out a microphone the other day for her cousin Addison's birthday (which she shares with Sadie). She couldn't stop talking about it so guess what one of her gifts was...
They have a great train set up for the kids to play with at the store. Sadie L.O.V.E.S trains. Too bad a train set is super expensive. One day Sadie, one day.
Jammie, KK, and Kyle sent Sadie a package today. She was so excited to open it by herself and even frowned a little when I had to cut the taped box with a steak knife. I had to be super careful not to knick her anxious little fingers that kept creeping their way back to the box as I worked at opening it. Inside, there were all sorts of "treasures!" Bowls, place mats, a cell phone, color sticks, CDs, and oodles of cute clothes.
I'd say it was a pretty happy birthday for our little Sadie bug. I tried to celebrate her in every moment today...give a little here, give a little there, let a few things slide (like ice cream before dinner and staying up past bedtime). I'm so proud of her. And look forward to watching and helping her grow into a 4 year old.

Happy Birthday Little Rabbit

2009-08-12T20:41:00.000-07:00

Its baby Jack's birthday! Hip hip hooray!!

Lets have some cake. Mama made it juuuuuust for you baby Jack. Big sister Sadie will help you blow out the candles. She's been looking forward to it for weeks!
Daddy helps baby Jack figure out what to do with his cake.Jack's a fast learner!

Its time for presents! Mama helps to open them.

Everything was so much fun! Baby Jack wanted to play with each toy right after he unwrapped it. Keeping him on task was a big job.Baby Jack loved all of the attention. He sure did have a great birthday!
A few things about Jack to mark his special day.
Jack is an amazing kid. He has got to be one of the happiest babies ever. He's always quick to smile and loves to cuddle. My favorite face is the one he makes when he crinkles his nose. Jack is very tactile and bold. He likes to "jump right in" to whatever we are doing and is very social. Nothing slows him down! He's been walking since he was 9 months old, following around his big sister and anyone else who will play with him. I love my little rabbit. I can't believe he's a year old already!

To be terrified or not to be terrified. That is the question.

2009-08-12T07:10:00.000-07:00

Ten years ago... before the house... before the babies...before the husband...I didn't think about it. I was uninterested. I was bored. It didn't matter and I didn't care.

I'd never have sick kids. My parents would never retire. My grandparents would never near the winter of their years. Taxes never crossed my mind. The price of oil didn't have a bearing upon my travels. Environmental consciousness was nothing more than putting trash in a can rather than on the ground. There was no 9-11 and the aftermath there of with its wars and level orange terror alerts. Unemployment? I live in AMERICA! Where dreams are born and you grow up, find a job, and get your white picket fence. There was no need to be concerned about that. I was, like most near 16 year olds, immune (more like ignorant) to the effects of politics. I didn't understand that the decisions our government make directly impact our quality of life. And in some cases, the length of it.

After seeing all of the contentious town hall meetings and near riots between concerned citizens and elected officials regarding healthcare reform, I decided to do a little research. A friend of mine on Facebook was quoting comments she had read about the bill on LC.org so I went to the site and read everything written on HR3200. And then I was afraid. My mind wandered to a gray, smokefilled-skied America where people wandered the streets half- dead looking for healthcare wearing tattered clothes reminicent of the depression era. I thought of my precious grandparents; tired and worn, sitting face to face with an "end of life counselor" to plan out their deaths. I saw myself frustrated and scared not being able to make a doctor's appointment for a sick child because of the massively long lines for care. I hypothesised a medical crisis. A crisis that's outcome would be determined by my government and how much healthcare would be rationed out to me or my family. I shivered.

And THEN, I went to whitehouse.gov and watched a couple of videos made to quelch the uproar and felt all better. For a moment. Opposition for the bill says one thing and proponants say exactly the other. "You will be forced into the "public option" or government healthcare" the opposition cries. "You will have the opportunity to maintain your private insurance." the white house says. "there will be rationing of services and the government will decide who gets care and how much." the opposition says. "the insurance companies already ration our healthcare and make that very same decision." the white house argues.

I'm confused. And I feel mislead by SOMEONE. But who? What do YOU think? Really, I value your opinion and if you can help me to make an informed decision on whether or not to be terrified, i'd appreciate it.

sleeping with a hero

2009-08-03T10:07:00.001-07:00

It was going on 1am when I shuffled up the stairs.
"You comin' up?" he had called to me on his way to bed a little more than a hour before.
"Yeah. I'll be up in a bit."

Writing felt important...more important than sleep at the time. I needed the quiet....the stillness of a sleeping house. I needed to think.

When I walked into the room, I noticed he had left the light on in the bathroom. I felt relief and a wrench of sadness in the same moment. It was like a lighthouse guiding a sailor to shore, except the sailor was an hour later than expected. Did he fall asleep waiting? I hoped not.

I turned off the light and blindly felt my way to the bed; trying to avoid toys abandoned from the day and a moat of pillows surrounding it. It seems that no matter how careful I am I wind up bumping my right shin on the foot of the bed or tripping onto the mattress and fumbling upon one of Jared’s outstretched limbs. He lay there; seemingly undisturbed by my bedtime dance. I nuzzled my cheek on the valley of his back- the place where what some refer to as “angel wings” meet. I wanted to curl up inside of his warmth. I wanted to be rescued from my thoughts.

After a few moments, I left him to sleep.

“Are you okay?” I heard him ask softly. Was he awake that whole time?

“I feel better now that I was able to write.” I told him, unable to articulate what I was feeling.

“Oh, good.”

“Its just…I don’t feel like I’m good at anything.” I blurted out. It was an awkward thing to say at 1am. Saying things like that usually ignite long, drawn out therapy sessions. It’s like buying a gallon of milk the day you leave for a month long trip. You know you don’t have time to drink it all before you leave. I almost regretted it immediately. I knew morning would come and I didn’t want to be responsible for him feeling sleep deprived anymore that he already was.

“I’m sorry, Sweetie. I think you’re good.”

He placed a warm hand on the small of my back and soothed my skin. It felt like a heavy paperweight keeping me from floating away and for some reason it spoke more to me than anything he could say. I felt my heart unclench. My hero. My angel. Nothing mattered but that I am loved by this amazing man. Armed with the comfort and the knowledge that he loves me for a reason, I put me feelings of inadequacy and self doubt to rest, if only for the night, and drifted to sleep.

reflection of self

2009-08-02T21:56:00.000-07:00

I find it vital for growth to pause from time to time and look at who you are at the moment, while remembering back to the person you were...say...five years ago. That way, you can evaluate how far you've come. Have you deviated from where you thought you'd be or who you thought you'd become? Are there people in your life that you didn't know existed a few years back? What about the ones that used to be there that aren't? What goals have you accomplished and how have they changed as you've changed?

If we don't reflect on who we are, then how do we know who we are? How do we change what we are becoming? Maybe you like who you are becoming. Maybe you've lost track of yourself and forgot who you want to be.

I do this every year. Usually its around New Year. This year, for some reason, this contemplation of self awareness has consumed my year to date.

The "good" reflection of myself: I am married and in a healthy, functional, loving relationship that, thus far, I have managed to not screw up. I pushed two babies into this world and use my every day to fill their cups with more love than they can hold. I have a more solid sense of spirituality and how to continue to enrich it. I've managed to help Jared get us into a house that, only a year ago, we didn't think we'd have for years to come. And most importantly, I've grown more emotionally mature. I owe this to marriage and to birthing two children.

The "not-so-good" reflection of myself: I've realized that after years of marketing myself as a non-judgemental person, I still have judgemental tendencies that stem from wanting to quickly identify and categorize others so that I can avoid getting hurt. I'm working on this. I have abandoned many of my talents. I no longer paint, make jewelry, dance, or sing. Poetry has fallen by the wayside. Run 5 miles straight with out stopping? Ha! I can't run to the mailbox without stopping. And theatre...oh my beloved theatre. I miss you so. Where's my spontenaety? Where's the Courtney that ran from security guards down hotel corridors or traveled down roads just to see where they ended?

The marrying of the two: In order to achieve the "good" i've had to let go of pieces of myself. Its just not practical to travel the world performing on stage while jumping out of airplanes between shows when you have a husband and two kids. I must say, the original plan years ago didn't include a husband and kids. It was soley stages and airplanes. That, in itself, is a huge deviation in plan and I'm grateful. Children don't work well without routine and that leaves little room for wandering. And when your whole day revolves around two little people that are (appropriately) self-centered, it makes it hard to work on yourself. Still, others do it. Why can't I?

I find myself in a creative rut these days; my brain sucked into a holding pattern. I used to be braver; more expressive. I didn't second guess my ability to create. I knew I was an artist. In that sense, I miss younger Courtney. Have you ever felt like parts of you have drifted or died? Parts that you want back? I've become obsessed with figuring out where they've gone and how to retrieve them.

2009-07-26T20:19:00.000-07:00

I pushed my nose up to her nose and she wrapped her tiny arm behind my neck. I could feel her breathe like a soft warm breeze as she laughed from excitement.

"I love you, Sadie."

We were curled face to face right before bed. I traced the side of her face and tucked the delicate wisps of hair behind her ear. There are few moments when I have the opportunity to lock eyes with my two year old. She's always bouncing from one thing to the next; bursting with life. I never take these moments for granted.

"Soooo, so much. Do you know that? You're my baby girl. My most favoritest girl in the WHOLE world! Do you know that?"

"Yes. I your girl. I lob you too, Mama."

I wanted to study the moment and tattoo it inside of my heart. I knew the reality of the situation. A sadness panged my heart and knocked the breath from my chest.

She's going to grow up. She'll change and blossom and this little baby girl will become a big girl. She won't need me to read her stories before bed nor will she request the "Sunshine song" or "Sleep, sleep Sadie" or "Lullaby" to lull her to sleep. She won't cry for me in the morning to pull her from her bed.
This little girl will disappear, and though I will love whoever she will become, I can't help but feel crestfallen to one day lose who she is now. I try not to think about it. Not how my Mama did it with me and her Mama did it with her; and the ghost- like feeling of remembering your past. I try to stay in the moment with both Sadie and Jack. Always keeping in the back of my mind that these moments are priceless and not to be taken for granted.

florida pictures

2009-07-18T07:47:00.000-07:00

It was a Walden vacation. Much needed and a long time comin'. And they invited US!!!! Mama suggested we rent a condo in Destin for a couple of nights and hang out on the beach. Aside from the corneal abrasion from Jack scratching my eye, it was an awesome trip! All of these pictures are from the first day since I couldn't open my eyes on the second!

"Pick me up." "What? like this?" "Both of you! Pick me up like sideways." "Why?" "Just do it!" I always wanted a picture like that. :)
Me and Mama and Daddy.
Little Rabbit...
...eats the sand. And LIKES it.
My cute little Mama!
The water is the way it should be: Clear with an emerald tint and warm. None of this cold brown water shtuff! I grew up going to Pensacola Beach with its beautiful sugary sands and gorgeous waters, so my standards are pretty high for what is labled "beach." Plus, I'm particularly picky about any water that I play in since i'm afraid of what I can't see. You could see the fish swimming!
It was the perfect summer evening; warm with a setting sun. The sunlight was beautiful on my baby.
Sadie couldn't get enough of the sand. A month later, she's still asking to go to the beach. When we go to the car in the garage to go somewhere, she passes her pail and shovel and says emphatically "WE GO TO THE BEACH TODAY!!!!"
Uncle KK and the little Rabbit. KK looks like he's a fun guy judging by the smile on Jack's face!
Sadie, so tired after playing in the waves and the sand. Uncle KK's shoulder is the perfect place to rest.
JJ took Jack into the ocean for the first time in his whole life! JJ would help him to jump the waves. Sometimes a wave would sneak up on them, though, and clobber them in the face. Jack didn't seem to mind much. He's so tough!
I was excited to have a picture with Jared. We rarely get the opportunity to take a picture of just us.
Hey! I'M supposed to be the "big sister!" But Kyle's becoming my "big brother!" I think he could bench press two of me.
Good times. Good times.

Kevin at sunset. I like this picture because I feel like I'm talking to him when I look at it.
We took this picture right before Daddy left for the airport to return to Iraq. We went out to eat at the Pensacola Alehouse and took this in the parking lot. I cried when i got to the car. Right after Jared, the kids and I got back to Mimi and Papa's, Kyle called me asking if I wanted to ride with him to pick Daddy up from the airport. His flight had been canceled! He was stressed, but I was secretly (and openly!) excited to have one more night with him. We had to leave the next morning, but I got all of the crying out the night before so it made leaving a tiny bit easier.
On the way home we passed through Baton Rouge. I was feeling really mushy and sentimental and made a last second decision to exit I-10 at Acadian. We found that we couldn't drive around campus because there (new? or new to us?) guard gates blocking the through streets. We parked in front of a garbage dumpster and I ran out with Sadie so she could see Mike. He was sleeping in the corner right next to the gate so she was able to see him pretty up close. There was a big bush in the way of posing her in front of him for a picture so we took one in front of the statue. I sure do miss Baton Rouge. We stopped off at our buddy Matt's house and talked with him for a while. It was wonderful to be back there.

2009-06-30T19:54:00.000-07:00

I was so proud of myself. Our computer needed a new home. The desk we had been using had fallen a part a bit with every move and was outgrown by our needs. After searching for a while, I found a desk on Walmart.com that I liked a lot. When I went to the store, I found the last box and to my disappointment it looked like it had been dropped off of the truck. After talking to the department manager, I snagged this desk for $50 bucks cheaper than the original price. Now, putting it together wasn't as good of a deal. It took my darling husband around 9 hours to complete the project. Before you think he's mechanically challenged, realize that every single review on the Wal-Mart website...even the ones who gave the desk high remarks, complained that the desk took anywhere between 6 to 12 hours to assemble. I told hubby this before committing to the desk. He was so excited about saving the money, he said it was worth his time.

A "J" for Jack! You know how each piece is labled to facilitate assembly? Jack happened to find the "J" sticker and somehow got it on his forehead.

Speaking of Jack.... He's almost 11 months old. Good grief, what happened? Did I not just push him into the world like, yesterday? He's got two teeth (and 4 all bursting forth at once it seems), is walking more and more, and has a temperament unique from his sister's. Where as Sadie seemed to be more focused, more intense, and cautious; Jack is our energetic, outgoing, quick- to- act boy. He's more tactile and aggressive than Sadie. Everything goes in the mouth and nothing is off limits to what he'll pull, grab, or touch (unfortunately toilets, poop, and his sister's hair are his favorites). Though he has a happy nature, he knows what he wants and is very outspoken and demonstrative of his disappointment if he is denied his wants. Lucky for me, he's pretty easy going and gets over it fast.

I marvel at how he and Sadie delight in the little things and I am proud of their curiosity. An empty yogurt container and a few bowls with lids became a drum set for them yesterday and rarely can I get through a book without Sadie asking "what's that?" and pointing. Both Sadie and Jack have a way of loving me despite my inability to have boundless patience and teach me everyday what is most important...and its not the baking soda spilled all over the floor, or the unfolded mountains of laundry, or the limitless lists of "to-dos." Its to play, learn, love, and laugh. When I forget this, I get a kiss, or a smile, or a hug, or a "hold me, Mommy" and I come out of my head and into my heart and realize that life couldn't be more perfect. Its the hardest job i've ever had, but I love being a mama.

Catching up with pictures.

2009-06-30T19:27:00.000-07:00

Back in May, we took a trip home to Baton Rouge. Jenny and Mike were nice enough to let us stay with them. Of all my friends, I've known Jenny the longest. Walking into her and Mike's house was like instant comfort.

Laura came over to Jenny's to visit with us. We had such a busy weekend, but our friends were great about helping us see everyone by coming to us or meeting us somewhere.
See what I mean? This is Aaron and Lisa's house. Holly and Joel popped over (on their anniversary!!! how sweet!) after dinner and a full day of graduations and company. Laura came by earlier in the night with Ryan after work and before their date. I don't know what Jenn and Markus, Jamie and Joey, or Lisa and Aaron had going on that weekend, but I know they're busy people and they all stopped by! It meant a lot to me to see everyone.

I was trying to get one with all the babies. Jenn's holding Jack, Lisa with her cute little guy Grey, Allison is next to Lisa, Jamie holding Sara, Sadie's up front.
"Hey Jack, I got this toy that's really cool. You wanna play?"
Born weeks apart, these three were playing together like most babies their age don't.
The whole "excuse" for the trip was for Matt's (Jared's best friend) graduation from Law School and I didn't get one picture!! I'm so disappointed! After the graduation, we had lunch at Ninfa's with all of his family and friends. Like I said, not ONE picture! What was I thinking?!

It was a fantastic weekend. The only thing we regretted was not being able to see everyone. It felt like a crime to be in the same city with people that feel like family to us and that we love dearly, but not being able to see them. Maybe next time?

Overheard in Florida

2009-06-18T22:01:00.000-07:00

Here are a few things I remember hearing over the two weeks I spent with my family in Florida.

"You so sweet, you make my teeth fall out!" - Mimi while talking to Sadie in the car on the way to chinese restaurant.

"That's so cute! Gotta buy it!" - Sadie refering to clothes while shopping at Wal-Mart with Mama, Jammie, and Mimi.

"Oh my gosh...that's...like...from a human!" - Kyle upon seeing the monsterous raisin-laden poo Jack deposited in his diaper.

"His head is so pretty. Its nice and round." - Grandma Walden complementing Jack.

"Look at his big head...I bet he got brains in there!...He got pointy ear like Spock. He gonna be success!" - Mimi, refering to Jack.

"Cleanliness is next to Godliness. Don't you know I'm Oriental?!" - Mimi, telling me how clean her floors are.

"Be a good girl!" - Sadie to mimi as we were leaving to drive back to San Antonio.

"He's like....a mini Jared that's portable." - Kevin in reference to Jack looking like Jared.

"This little piggie went to wal-mart, this little piggie stayed home..." Daddy's nursery rhyme to Jack.

"I strapped the tape recorder to my leg."- Papa telling me about how he recorded his missions in Vietnam to present to Washington DC while pioneering infrared technology as a pilot.

"I feel like I'm laying out." - Mama telling me why she doesn't mind driving around in a car without air conditioning in Florida.

"Whatever you feel like you need to tell yourself to accept your current situation." Me telling Mama what I thought about her reasoning for the aformentioned comment.

my heart stretched across the coast

2009-06-15T21:23:00.000-07:00

For the past week I've been in Florida with the kids visiting my family while poor lonely Jared has been at home in San Antonio studying for some test with initials that I always mess up. C.R.L.P.C? C.P.R.P.? C.S.I.? Anyway...he's supposed to take it in July.

Kevin flew one way to San Antonio and drove with me and the kids so I wouldn't have to go alone. It was nice to have that 12 hour drive to talk and catch up. I can't imagine what sort of institution they would have had to bring me to if I had to make that drive alone with the kids. Having someone to talk to just makes the trip go by so much faster. I have missed Kevin. I tried not to take for granted the time we had when we were living together, but so often failed to appreciate the moment we were in.

Since we've been here, things have gone pretty smooth. Daddy is in from Iraq and we're spending more time together than we have in a long time. We went to Chuck-E-Cheese a few times, played at a water park, and brought the babies to Blackwater River when Grandma Walden visited from Mississippi. So far, we've eaten at two gross chinese buffets, but picked up some yummy food at the oriental food store. Mimi took me shopping and bought me my dress for Lori's wedding next week. I took Mama shopping and scored a great 80% off sale at Hobby Lobby and decorated her living room. Papa's birthday was today so we celebrated with german chocolate cake. Sadie made a card and was so excited for papa's birthday she couldn't wait to give him his gift - straight out of the JCPenny bag I bought it in!

Sadie is completely excited to be here with Mimi and Papa, Jammie and JJ, KK and Kyle. I feel sad thinking of how she will miss them all when we leave next week. I remember that feeling when I was little. The hallow feeling that follows the good bye after a good time with the people you love. I don't think I've out grown it.

Jared will fly here in 10 hours. We'll head straight to the beach for a mini family vacation. On Sunday we'll come back to Mimi and Papa's - tired and sunburned- and enjoy our final day here on Monday. Tuesday will be a rough day for me. With every state line my heart will wrench a little more. There will be tears; and of course, a 12 hour drive home.

My sadness will be tempered, though. This trip is the first trip that will bring me home to MY house. How sweet it will be to be with my husband in our home again; making suppers, chasing babies, waiting for him to come home from work, feeling him breathe next to me in our bed.
*Sigh* Why does my heart have to be stretched across the Gulf Coast?

Evil stinky fish sauce.

2009-05-29T11:53:00.000-07:00

This is fish sauce. It sounds gross, right? I bought it because several recipes I wanted to try required it. As incapable as I am at following recipes, I should have known better. I thought it would be like the letter "K" in the word "know" or "knee" or "knock"...silent, but necessary. I thought WRONG. At least it was wrong for Courtney's-impossible-attempt-at-following-a-recipe meal. I tried it again in a few other dishes and it was just plain awful. I know that it is a staple in some of the restaurant meals I love, but Jared and I agreed to leave this one to the experts.

So as we were packing the last few items from our kitchen at the apartment, I came across a huge bottle of fish sauce (that I bought two months ago when I was under the impression that I would be using it at least once a week as the silently special ingredient that gave my asian dishes that hint of something that made it juuuuuust right) and decided to chuck it and go back to cooking with out it. I resumed cleaning the kitchen; tossing whatever wasn't making it over to the new house into a garbage bag when suddenly... Something smelled like dog food. 'What the heck is that SMELL? Oh good grief! Whoa!' The smell transformed into something waaaay worse. Like an explosion, it was sudden and impactful and caught me off guard. I realized the garbage bag I had been throwing everthing in had a hole in it. Jared passed by. He arched his back as if he were trying to leave his head in the next room while the rest of him walked forward. "Ohhhhh!" he twisted his face. "Wha?" "Fish sauce." Immediately he picked up the bag unknowing of the hole. "Its leaking!" I called, "put it in that box so it doesn't get onto the carpet." He set the bag down and I cleaned the floor trying not to wretch.
A few minutes later he returned to load up the box with more trash and when the box was all full he went to lift it to take it down to the car. But when he went to pick it up, the box began dripping fish sauce! He hurried back to the kitchen to avoid getting it in the carpet, lest our apartment manager think we were hiding a body in the walls. We decided to throw it in a contractor bag. He took alllllll the trash out of the box and loaded it into the contractor bag (which, if you are unfamiliar, is like a huge superman- strengthed garbage bag) and hauled it down to the car and out to the dumpster. My fish sauce woes were over.
Or so I thought. Somehow the fish sauce in its evil mischief wound up leaking onto the carpet in the trunk of my car. When I innocently went to load the babies into the car for a trip to Kohls today, I was assaulted by the smell. I cleaned and cleaned to no avail. Will this stuff just wear off? or will I be living (or dying) by this smell for the life of my car? Does anyone know?

Southern girl

2009-05-19T13:04:00.000-07:00

I'm a southern girl.
But not just any southern girl. A southern Louisiana girl.
I came from Jefferson Parish and grew up right outside of New Orleans. Our family used to take the ferry across the Mississippi to walk the French Quarter on Sundays. We'd eat po boys and watch people sing and make fudge. Sometimes daddy would get some alligator on a stick at the Market and us kids would ask for a bite like it were the very first time. One of my favorite things to do was to drive around the city looking at the old worn houses. I'd imagine what stories were born in them. That's what I love about the south...the history, the fantastical stories that weave the fabric of the culture there. History is what gives it it's spirit.
If you look closely, you'll notice my Louisiana roots showing. I say things like "ya'll" and "where ya' at?" and understand it when someone asks "howsya'mamaen'dem'doin'?" I know the proper pronunciation of Tchoupitoulas (chop-it-too-lis) and Burgundy (ber-GUN-dee). "Go" is spelled Geaux and Breax is pronounced "Bro" and yes, i've known tons of Brauds (bros) and Thibideauxs (as well as Geautreauxs, Boudreauxs and Michouds). If I lost you with any of that, then you're most likely not from Louisiana. Give me crawfish in the springtime and King Cake come January. Fry me up some boudin balls and lets go get a snowball for dessert. I need humidity or I feel like a fish out of water and I'm most comfortable at or below sea level. It doesn't matter how much the Saints suck, come football season we root for them. And, most importantly "Geaux Tigers" was a phrase that Sadie learned by age 1.
Yes, I'm a southern Louisiana girl. And you can take the girl out of Louisiana, but you can't take the Louisiana out of the girl.

I realized this truth when we crossed the Atchafalaya Basin on our way to Baton Rouge. Gray clouds billowed across a suffocated sky until they were so full they emptied huge drops of rain on the windshield of the car. It was like a prelude to my tears. Rain! I touched the glass. My eyes swelled and the top of my throat closed shut. Rain pattered the glass...a welcome home round of applause. I missed this place; the people, the culture, the geography. And I didn't know just how much until we came back home after a year in San Antonio. I felt so relaxed, so peaceful. I wanted to soak it up in a way that I never had before. I wanted to appreciate it and revel in it.

House pictures

2009-05-14T08:04:00.000-07:00

Here are a few pictures of the house. Do you remember the "before" pictures? The white walls? The dinky light fixtures? The barren room? Scroll back through some older posts around the end of February to have your mind refreshed.
The pictures came out a little dark, but the kitchen is a beautiful yellow-y color.

Jack's being visited by orbs while watching "wow-wow-wubzy." This is Jared's baby. Not the ACTUAL baby. Wait. No. Yes. Jack IS Jared's baby. Don't go starting rumors! I mean the TV is Jared's other baby. He took great time and care to research and find the best tv for the best price. Too bad I didn't take any pictures of the green duct tape he used to hang the surround sound. He put up crown moulding to hide the wires rather than running them behind the wall. It was a win-win. He got surround sound, I got moulding! Now I just have to figure out what to do with all those wires under the tv.

Here's our kitchen. I've ordered knobs for the cabinets. They haven't come in yet and are back ordered, but consider this the "before" picture for that project. I'm so proud of Jared. He (with the help of his Papa) changed out 10 light fixtures and this kitchen faucet! Now i've got the sprayer i've always wanted. Its so nice :)

My good friend Kathleen lovingly gave us her beautiful dining room table. It fits so beautifully into our room. I am a softy for things with meaning and since this came from someone I love, it makes it one of my favorite pieces.

I'm not posting the loft or the bedrooms yet because they don't have their proper furniture in them. Once we get it all in to place, i'll post some pictures of those. Stay tuned!

botanical gardens

2009-05-06T13:28:00.000-07:00

Imagine

2009-05-05T20:20:00.000-07:00

It seems like more often than not lately, I have been completing tasks in an imaginary sort of way rather than in the likes of reality. Walls have been painted, projects accomplished, phone calls and e-mails returned, thank you notes written, blogs posted. Heck, I've even done imaginary exercise.
I think this is my mind's way of coping with the million and one things I have on my "to-do" list that are NOT getting done in reality. You see, I LIKE the "t0-do" list. It makes me feel productive and organized (things I cannot always call myself). More than liking the actual list, I like crossing things OFF the list. Its a feeling that bubbles up from my stomach and rushes through the tips of my fingers as the pen crosses the paper. The feeling that I did something that says I exist- that I am worth something because I DID something. It is a drug that washes over me and hooks me into marathon errand runs and late night cleaning sessions. It is also what drove me to paint almost my entire house in 5 days. Jared would get home at 7pm. We'd eat and I'd head over to the house by about 8pm and paint. One night I returned home after midnight, showered, attempted to sleep, and when I couldn't I (in my pajamas) drove back to the empty house and painted the kitchen. At 8:30am Jared called.

"We're coming over."
"Okay."

A few minutes later I wondered why he would bring two kids to a house filled with wet walls and paint? This was not a good idea. Why didn't I say anything? I felt guilty for not being with them.
They showed up and disaster took over. Sadie bumped her arm on a wall and got paint on herself. Not liking this, she wiped her arm on our BRAND new sofa and chair. In his attempt to stop her from spreading the paint, Jared grabbed her arm. Her feelings hurt, she burst into tears. Meanwhile, Jack's practicing his standing skills against the wall.

"Why did you come here with two kids?"
"I just wanted to help."
"You DO help...by watching the kids and keeping them out of my way so I can finish painting."
"But I want to help with my hands."

I couldn't help but feel like I had infected Jared with my obsession. I mean, there WAS something in his voice when he called to say they were coming. Something unfamiliar to his usual tone. Something rushed and almost frantic. A sort of worry when he realized I had returned to paint before the sun had come up. It was like he wanted to hurry up the process by helping me so we could return to some semblance of normalcy. He knew I had to finish. He hated that I had to finish.

But I did. I finished the kitchen, painted our bedroom, and we moved in. That was about 3 weeks ago. I crashed for a while. (I suppose if you call doing my everyday chores of being a mother, housekeeper, laundromat, cook, teacher, maid, personal shopper....etc.. crashing) I've made it a point to abstain from my drug. (for now) The "to-do" list runs wild and grows by the day. But at night; in that twilight between laying down and falling asleep, my mind wanders. And in my imaginary world everything is being crossed off the list.

I could have broken the rules...

2009-04-05T14:56:00.000-07:00

Okay. Lexi tagged me to find the 6th picture in the 6th folder on my computer. Unfortunately, it is a very unflattering picture. I was pregnant and SICK sick SICK so things like makeup, hair, showering, dressing myself...you know THAT sorta stuff was out the window. So there I lay, pimpled and pregnant back in early 2006 with Bandit and Dexter faithfully by my side.

2009-03-27T19:07:00.000-07:00

A self portrait by Sadie.

Ikea offers prime parking to those with hybrid cars. Because of this advantage, I must now purchase one so next time I won't have to walk my two babies in the rain from my far away parking spot while the tatted up single guy driving the prius gets the closest spot.
Look at this kid! He's been standing and crawling for the past month! If he keeps this up, he'll be walking before the end of month 8.
Maybe he's trying to keep up with his sister.

2009-03-27T18:53:00.001-07:00

Jack slept through the night once so we moved back to our room. After 4 nights of interrupted sleep in our room, we are back on the air mattress in the living room. Maybe this time we'll have to stay on it a bit longer than a week for it to take? hmmmm...

Tech baby, tech.

2009-03-27T14:35:00.000-07:00

Sadie says: "I see Ipod Mama."
I say: "Oh, that's Mama's Blackberry."
Sadie says: "Okay, I check my e-mail then."

She pushes a few buttons and stares at the screen. Nothing happens (i have locked the keypad) so she drops the phone and runs towards the kitchen:
"I use the computer to check my e-mail."

I remember back in the day not having a computer and using Encyclopedias and BOOKS to write papers and do research. No internet. No e-mails. I remember not needing (or wanting) a cell phone. Having a cordless phone was pretty cool. Ipods? Psh! tape players and CDs were the way to go.

So, just think. This little conversation I had with my TWO YEAR OLD would not have taken place at all between me and my mother. And I'm only 26. Amazing how fast this world changes.

2009-03-18T05:20:00.000-07:00

Jack + Our Room = Us on an airmattress in the livingroom.

We just couldn't take it anymore. Baby boy was waking up sometimes every 20 minutes to an hour. He'd stand up and poke his head over the top of the pack-n-play and cry at us. After Jared considered putting him in the bathroom and our closet (and its NOT a walk in closet), we decided to move to the living room. So far, so good. The first night, he still woke up frequently, but we were able to let him cry and settle himself. The crying definitely isn't as bad when your in the next room as opposed to an arm's length away. The second night, he woke up less and didn't nurse at all; which is a huge change from nursing every two hours. We'll see what night 3 holds. Hopefully, we'll be able to return to our room and our bed (that doesn't deflate) by the end of the week!

Who needs sleep? ME!

2009-03-09T22:00:00.000-07:00

I assure you that for the last 12 minutes I have thought up this entire post in my mind while tossing and turning in my bed; striving for optimal comfort and hoping to drift softly to sleep. Why am I not asleep? Why?

My mind is filled with thoughts. Thoughts that buzz noisily like a room filled with bees. Bees with no flight plan, no direction. They bounce and spin off of one another, splintering my thoughts into a thousand different places.

It all starts with Jack. Jack wakes up and smiles at me in the morning and makes everything okay. But at night...oh at night...
I lay there. Quiet. Trying to stiffle my sniffles. Trying to turn ever so gently as not to crinkle the sheets. Can't. Get. Comfortable. Oh no! He moved. He's still moving. Uh oh. His breathing is getting louder and he's starting the uncomfortable begining of a cry. Great.

I am a creature of routine. I like to know what's coming next. Just ask Travis, my brother in law. He's been watching the new season of 24 - a show that Jared and I are not watching until his dad records the whole season on his TIVO and we can go on a 24 watching binge. Left alone with Travis, do you think I didn't ask if Tony Alameda really went rogue? I had to know. And now I do. Mwahahaha...

So, not knowing if i'll actually get sleep when I go to bed makes it nearly impossible to go to bed. I wonder with ever breath and every wiggle: "is this it? is he waking up? I don't want to get too comfortable if i've gotta get back up." Then when he does wake up - 'cause you know he does- I get him back to sleep, but then I can't get ME back to sleep. I wonder again: "did it take? is he really back to sleep? I better wait a bit just in case." I watch the clock. 5 minutes. 10 minutes. "Is it safe yet? Oh, good grief, if I fall asleep now i'll only get 6 hours of sleep!" The clock becomes my enemy. I race against it. Fall asleep NOW and you'll bet 5 hours 53 minutes and 37...36...35...34 seconds of sleep!

Then, I make a critical mistake. I think. No, not "I think" as in "I think I made a critical mistake," but "I think" as in thoughts flood my mind like the 9th ward after Katrina.
I let one little thought in and it snowballs. You ever get out of bed to pee in the middle of the night and tell youself not to think. Sometimes I try not to open my eyes lest I be inspired to think. The fact is, the longer you are awake, the more opportunity for thinkage. And once thinkage happens, you're doomed.

"I must remember to remember to call Rooms to Go tomorrow and give them our new address for delivery. Oh, and find the warranty information on the bed we bought two years ago since the mattress is sagging and its a friggin' $2200.00 bed. Why does my nose get stopped up when I lay in the bed, anyway? Am I catching a cold? Maybe there's mold in the air in here. Is that why Jack isn't sleeping? I need to find a dentist on my health plan. Did I e-mail my uncle back? I think "withered moss' is what we'll go with in the living room, but what should I do about our bedroom. When will grass turn green again? Did I sound stupid in that comment I made on so-and-so's facebook page? Will Jack start walking soon? Did I hold Sadie too much? Is that why she took longer to walk? Am I doing a good job balancing the two kids? I wonder who they'll grow up to be. I wonder if Lexi and Troy purposly picked a house with a fireplace so she could decorate it during Christmas. I hope Britney is doing well. I miss her. Daddy's working in Iraq right at this very moment. Will Jared ever find the time to study? Am I selfish?"

The thoughts keep coming and I lay there like I'm in my car watching the longest train in the world passing across the road to sleep. Will I ever get there? Yes, I know I will. Anytime soon? God, I hope so.

More Hairs Cut.

2009-03-03T16:30:00.000-08:00

Remember a few months ago when I attempted to give my patient and loving husband a haircut and I pretty much left him bald? I do. It pretty much traumatized me from cutting hair. But today, ah today, when Sadie looked at me through a wall of hair and nearly stumbled into the bathroom cabinet, I decided to overtake my fear.

I busted out the scissors and Sadie busted into tears. She shrieked and wailed and screamed so loud it woke Jack out of a sound sleep. I cut snippits at a time; coming at her like a sniper till eventually, her bangs were cut and she could see. This must have impressed her because something changed. She calmed down and actually got into the whole process. She even asked me to cut her beloved bear's "hair."

I went to get poor Jack who, was ripped from his peaceful sleep by the blood curdling screams of his sister. I held him up and looked at his head. "Hmmmm.... I can do this." I was on a roll. I sat him in front of me and grappled at straggles of hair with the scissors. After the first snip I was committed. There was no turning back. I tried to remember what my friend Heidi taught me about using my fingers as a guide. Remembering seemed to comfort me in my efforts, so I tried to forget that I never really understood what she was teaching me to begin with. Still, acting like I knew what I was doing gave me a sense of confidence.

Cutting Jack's hair was like playing that game at Chuck-E-Cheese where you have to bop the frog or mouse or whatever it is that pops up out of the hole with huge mallot. He bobbed and wiggled and batted at the scissors.

Somehow, I avoided any major damages to either child, or their hair. So impressed with myself was I that I took like 40 pictures.

Remember. I am no professional. We'll say with Sadie we were going with the "I just need to see" look and with Jack we were trying for the "messy" look. With that said, they are masterful haircuts.

2009-03-01T05:42:00.000-08:00

Jack didn't like the prunes so much as he liked intercepting the spoon midway to his mouth and smearing them all over his face. But, that's the great thing about babyhood. When else in life do you get to do stuff like that and get away with it without people thinking you need to be committed?

The peas went a little better, but he still liked grabbing on to that spoon!
This is a "self portrait" by Sadie. She is quite the photographer. Mainly she focuses on ceiling fans...sippie cups...her left nostril... She's quite the artist.
Do you see what his onsie says? It says "I'll sleep when I'm good and ready." He means this. This is not just a cute onsie. It is the honest to goodness truth.

Sadie and Jack are interacting more and more. Although, sometimes the interaction consists of "NOoooOOooo! That's MINE!", most of the time its "Read to Jack?" "Its okay Jack, you aright" or "How goes it baby Jack?!"

House Pictures that are bigger than an inch.

2009-02-28T08:38:00.000-08:00

So I must not be very good at posting pictures since I seemed to have posted them out of order and backwards. Sorry for the random placement of pictures, but after spending a half hour waiting for them to upload, they're staying this way! This picture is a view from our driveway. I like being in a small cul-de-sac where there are only three (4 after they build the final house) of us.
Here is a view from the furthest most corner of our fence. I can't wait til the grass turns green. Sadie loved running around in the yard. She didn't want to come back in the house. I told her "its okay, you're gonna live here and you can play outside all day!"

Here, Sadie is mimicking me as I go throughout the house explaining what everything is..."here we have the master bedroom, and over here is the closet, and a window with blinds...."
This is the master bath. I like that it has a window for natural light. I'd like to change out the mirror and put in two framed mirrors and upgraded water and light fixtures.
My assistant tour guide appreciating the pop-up ceiling.
This is a view of the yard from an upstairs window.
Sadie, laying claim to one of the bedrooms.
This is a view from the loft. The door leads to a bathroom. There are two bedrooms on the left and one on the right of the picture.
This is a picture of our neighbors. I like them. They seem nice and peaceful and green. And the good new is they are here to stay because they are a wildlife preservation. This is what really sold me on the house.
A view from the living room.
The kitchen. My stove/oven rocks and I can't wait to try out all of its features. the microwave seems complicated...I might have to read a book to figure it out.
A view from the living room into the breakfast nook and kitchen area. The door to the left is a half bath. The stairs are to the left of that. If you look inside the kitchen doorway you'll see another door and that is our laundry room.
This was supposed to be the first picture, but I apparently don't know what i'm doing.
I, of course, see this house as a huge canvas. There will be paint, decor, curtains, and fixtures put in over the next couple of months. Consider these the befores and the afters are soon to come. OR you know, you could always come out here and see for yourself. Now we have a place to put you up when you visit!

i'm gonna put a hexagon on you

2009-02-25T19:54:00.000-08:00

I popped open a bag of multigrain chips on the way home from Costco. From the back seat, Sadie asked me for a "hexagon" chip.

At the risk of letting you see my stupid sign, i'm gonna go ahead and tell you that I didn't know what a hexagon is.

First I said:
"no...that's an octagon."
Then I thought:
It looks like a stop sign. wait. no. octagon is eight. stopsigns are octagons. (I drew a stopsign in my mind) this has six. Is it a hexagon? Is hexagon a real word? Sounds like some voodoo curse you put on someone. Maybe I shouldn't tell her one way or the other. I don't want to confuse her. Why don't I know this? And more importantly, why and how does she?

I thought quietly for the rest of the drive home from Costco. Sadie munched on hummus and "hexagon chips" in the back seat. "This is good hexagon chips, Mama." she chirped.

Later that day, I was walking with friends and I just had to ask.
"Emily? How many sides does a hexagon have?"
"Six."
"Wow. she (sadie) knows what a hexagon is and I don't."

I told Jared:
"Jared, Sadie called these 'hexagon' chips."
I held up the hectagonally shaped chip.
"Yep. That's my girl! I taught her that." He beamed.
I looked at him sheepishly. "I thought they were octagons at first."
He slapped his forehead with his hand and chuckled.
"Ohhh..." He smiled at me with teasing eyes "Sadie is smarter than Mama!"

I sure hope she's smarter than me.

2009-02-25T12:00:00.000-08:00

I know its a small picture, but I didn't bring an actually camera, just the dinky one on my phone. More to come!

A corner to ourselves

2009-02-21T21:40:00.000-08:00

I am marking it down in the history of us...

Today, we bought our first house. We finally (almost finally since we officially close on March 27th) have a little corner of the world to ourselves. Literally! The house is at the end of a cul-de-sac that backs to a wildlife preservation and neighbors a park so we don't have anyone behind us or next to us. We only have two other houses on our street. Its nice and tucked away and quiet.

We had to make some concessions, but who doesn't with the limited budget that accompanies a first home? Its a 2 story (wanted a single), has 1800sqft (we wanted 2000), and has 3 bedrooms (wanted 4). But its BRAND new. No one has lived in it and it has $16,000 worth of upgrades in it. Its totally energy efficient, has upgraded appliances, upgraded carpet, and the biggie...the lot. Its on a large lot that, like I said, backs up to a preservation that will never be developed. Its actually the only lot like it and the best one in the neighborhood! We're neighbors to the new TPC PGA golf course and the 5 diamond Marriott that will be opening soon, as well as million dollar homes; all of which will help keep our home value up. The schools are great and we're getting a brand new elementary school located inside the neighborhood slated to open in 2010. We also have a playground, basketball court, sand volleyball area, pavillion and walking trails. So those concessions we made were all for location, location, location (which is big for resale, resale, resale! (and with the deal we got on the house, we'll make money off of it.)!

I'm not going to sleep easy tonight. What, with my head swimming with decorating ideas, paint options, landscaping, and a refridgerator to pick out? I guess I should at least try. On that note, I'm off to dream of my future HGTV inspired realities.

My beautiful wife!

2009-02-14T12:48:00.000-08:00

To date, I (Jared) haven't made a post to this blog since its inception, but this being Valentine's Day seems to be an appropriate occasion for my first time.

I wanted to leave a post for all to see, but not in an obnoxious "Tom Cruise on Oprah" type fashion or in a cheesy "blare your radio (or iPod with big speakers) outside her window" way either. Blog posting is subtle enough to where it get the point across to those who elect to be interested, and in a way that is not in your face. Most of you who follow this blog know how special Courtney is, but I just wanted to take a minute to express my appreciation and love for her too.

She is the type of person that just by knowing her makes life worth while. She has a contagious smile and laugh that can brighten your day. She notices the little things that make you feel special, which is a big thing in itself. I love her big heart and sense of compassion that she has for others. I love that she is proud of who she is and that she is not afraid to show that. Courtney is a wonderful mother and it makes me so happy to see in my kids eyes how much they love her. And as the title of this post has already stated, my wife is beautiful. I still marvel at how someone as goofy looking as me got so lucky! I also marvel at the times when she doesn't see that about herself and how she could miss something so obvious and apparent, but speaking for all males...we do that quite a bit. I could go on and on but in the interest of time and blog posting capacity which would be exhausted I'll end on this note. I've been very blessed to be married to her. I love her dearly.

Jack's 6 months!

2009-02-12T20:23:00.000-08:00

Today is Jack's 6 month anniversary of life outside of my womb.
He seems to like it on the outside. He's a pretty happy little guy. We celebrated with smooshed carrots and his first go round in a big boy high chair.

He spent about 20 minutes in the chair long after the carrots were gone just banging away with his little hands and chewing on the spoon. Ahhh...what lessons we can learn from a babe enjoying the simple things in life.
I couldn't resist getting him with all his splendid glorious chunklets.
Okay, let me say that Sadie won't keep bows in her hair for ANYTHING. Except....
...for when I put them in Jack's hair. All of the sudden, bows were cool to her. And although, she only wore them for about 15 minutes, it made me feel like Holly's hard work making those darn cute bows didn't go to waste!
So that makes it okay, right? I mean, we wouldn't want beautiful bows to go unused?!
Happy 6 month mark baby boy! I love you sooooo much!

Not that I don't love you if you live in San Antonio but...

2009-02-10T20:26:00.000-08:00

I really miss you if you live in Baton Rouge. Or Florida. Or California. Or any other place that doesn't allow me to see you on a regular basis. I think about you all the time and wish more than ever that teleportation were possible.

The Lifetime Movie Network is my friend.

2009-02-10T19:56:00.001-08:00

"Homeless to Harvard"
"Half a Dozen Babies"
"Why I Wore Lipstick to my Mastectomy"
"Family Sins"
"No Brother of Mine"
"Try to Remember"

I can't help it. Their gooey cheesiness sucks me in and...and... I find myself riveted; GLUED to the screen; slack-jawed as a homeless girl gives an impassioned speech to get herself in to Harvard or, as Tori Spelling attempts to play a sweet girl haunted by a robbery or, as young woman gives birth to what she thought would be 5 babies, but turns out to be 6 because the 6th is hiding and no one noticed till the moment of birth or...or...a female detective trying to trust her instincts in the face of her grandmother's killer.

Yes. I am admitting it here. I love the sticky, sappy, feta- cheese- stinkiness, of the Life Time Movie Channel. Part of of me likes to revel in how corny the movies are. But, there is a big part of me that likes to see LMN rise to the challenge of fulfilling the stereotype that they have succumb to: that they are a channel that appeals to the emotions of women.

Don't you just picture a woman going through a bad break up or menopause or a rough day at work watching Lifetime movies from her bed while clutching a pint of Ben and Jerry's and crying?
What is the appeal? Its all in the relationship baby. Women like watching relationships, yes, this is true but, more importantly for the LMN, its the relationship women form while watching another woman struggle through her journey. This 2 hour relationship we share with this character and her problems allow us to either examine our own struggles and celebrate the fact that we aren't being stalked by our best friend's dad, or to forget them for a while as we laugh at 'C list' actors attempt to act through convoluted plots and emotional torment.

Duped by Clorox

2009-02-04T15:11:00.001-08:00

The commercials show a health conscious mother spraying her kids toys and lunch trays with the kids inches away, eating off of freshly sprayed surfaces, to prove there is "no harmful residue." Little hands are shown touching the once disease-ridden garbage can that is now safe for the tender embrace of a toddler. The bottle promotes: "Gentle enough to use around kids, pets, and food. No harsh fumes. Leaves no harmful residue. No rinsing necessary. Color safe. Use on counters, highchairs, lunchboxes, toys, pet bowls, telephones, doorknobs...etc."

As a health conscious mother myself, I picked up a bottle of this and diligently paid the $3.00 for it. While cleaning Sadie's highchair today, I noticed the spray looked a lot like water and bleach so I looked at the ingredients. Guess what they are?!
Am I the only one who had to pay the price equivalent to 2 gallons of bleach for a "sanitizing spray" that is comprised of 0.0095% BLEACH and 99.9905% WATER?
Hmmm...how many bottles of this stuff could I have made at HOME with 2 gallons of clorox?

Lesson learned. Just because its a name brand sold in a store, doesn't mean it is something you can't make at home. Read ingredients and save three bucks.

Monkey Sadie

2009-01-31T20:16:00.000-08:00

Sadie did not want to take her nap. Sadie screamed and screamed so Mama went and surfed the internet (on a computer that happened to be at very close proximity to the washer and drier that were tumbling and swooshing as to drown out the screaming). Suddenly, the screams grew soft and then... singing.
"A. B. C. D...."
The singing grew louder and louder...
"E. F. G..."
until Mama turned away from the computer screen and jumped:
"Agh!"
"Mama, you wanna read to Sadie?"
"Sadie? Did you jump out of your crib?"
"Yes. Mama, you wanna read to Sadie? Sadie no lay down."

Her crib days are over. She is now a monkey and is no longer capable of being contained. Did I tell you about her newly acquired acrobatic skills that have enabled her to climb our kitchen counters or reach into the medicine cabinet to eat toothpaste? Or what about last week when I heard "pretty toes!" and rushed over to find she had climbed to reach the top shelf where I had stowed away my RED nailpolish and was painting her toes on the carpet (in the apartment we rent).

I have to admit, each of these incidents make me laugh. I guess I just love her that much.

bees and ladybirds

2009-01-12T07:09:00.000-08:00

I think this is a foreign site. There's tons for kids of all ages to do and we've found it quite entertaining.
Originally, we visited it to put all of the spots on the "ladybirds" since Sadie is a fan of Ladybugs (type "spots on ladybirds" into search engine on site to find that game). While searching the site a little more, I found these bees games. This one is my favorite:

http://www.uptoten.com/kids/boowakwala-adventures-bees-makehoney.html

Sadie just laughed and laughed and so did I. I love the wretching noise the bee makes when its depositing the honey into the comb.

Let me know if it makes you laugh too :)

Sadie rocks!

2009-01-03T22:39:00.000-08:00

We were watching a commercial on tv the other day:

"Ukey-lady"

There was a woman and her dog. The woman was talking into the camera about prescription meds or something.

"Ukey-lady!!"

I'm thinking "Sadie, that's not nice. She's not ugly."

Then I realize that she can hear a ukulele being played in the background music.

"Ukulele?" I ask.

She smiles and nods. "Ukey-lady, mama."

Later that day, she gets out "my" guitar and starts strumming and singing songs. I just had to video it. I missed some of her candid ballads, but got a good clip (as shown above).

2009-01-01T22:08:00.000-08:00

This Christmas we sent web cams to my parents and grandparents. Its been a fun way for us to feel closer to one another and dulls the ache of being miles apart. I like how it lets us talk about the most mundane everyday thing- like the things you talk about when you really are in one another's kitchen. I showed my brother the chocolate mousse I made and swapped recipes with my mom. It took my mom a minute to warm up to the idea of us seeing her. She was trying to hide from it like I hadn't seen her in every possible light while living with her for 18 years.I could see my doggies (who were very confused about the whole thing) and my grandparents house which has always been so dear to my heart.

The downsides =
1. You can't hang out in your underwear. Clothing is not optional when one of us is on the webcam with someone. I discovered this tonight as I was trying to clean the kitchen while Jared was talking to his family. I have this thing about wearing clothes I wore outside of the house inside of the house (I feel like they're dirty after I wear them outside) so I take them off when I come home. BUT I don't want to put on clean pajamas or "hang out" clothes till I've showered because I don't want to get them dirty and then have to wear another set after I shower. I didn't want to shower until I cleaned the apartment because cleaning makes me feel like I'm dirty. I know, I know, I know. I have this clean freak thing going. So I was stuck in clothing limbo and decided to just clean in my underwear. At one point I was almost army crawling on the floor to avoid the webcam, but then I heard G-Ma Rawson say "Courtney I see you!" This thing catches a great range.... a better one than I thought.

2. The guy at Best Buy told me that they're all the same and they all do the same quality of work. Not so. The first one we got was crap. It was hard to set up and operate, had trouble connecting, and the video was slow and ultra grainy. We traded in for one that was ten bucks more and its been a world better.

3. You gotta keep whatever room you're set up in clean. At least the parts being broadcast. Mine happens to be in my kitchen. My kitchen happens to be tiny, thus it looks messy fast. You can actually see most of my kitchen on the webcam so I feel compelled to have it straight and the dishes washed before we make calls.

If any of my pals out there have a webcam, sign up with Skype and look us up. We're theawesomerawsons. I'd love to chat with you. I promise to wear clothes.

You may have noticed I yanked the "sick" posts. I was tired of seeing them there. We're sick in real life, why be sick in the virtual one too.

Christmas 2006 we spent with Jared's family. We had to write on a piece of paper what we were thankful for and what our goals would be for the next year. I was, of course, thankful for family. My goal was to complain less.
You'd think I'd come further with the added bonus year before being held accountable (since we rotate holidays between our families), but unfortunately, like most people, my new year goals are long forgotten by January 7th and this one was not exception. I think I've learned to look towards what I'm grateful for when I feel the urge to complain, but I still wind up complaining and saying something like: "I hate this crappy dishwasher! It leaves residue and spots all over our dishes and doesn't even get all of the food off! But, I'm grateful I have a dishwasher. There are people out there that don't even have dishes!"

Maybe my goal this year will be to remember my goals. ???

My personal court jester

2008-12-04T07:26:00.000-08:00

Living with a two year old is sort of like living with a tiny practical joker... or a prankster... or maybe a court jester. You never know what you're going to find waiting for you when you come around the corner. You might find your favorite makeup brush used to clean the toilet. Or perhaps she will have painted the walls with your blush. Maybe she will slather herself in butt paste and wake you from your much needed nap. All of the wipes and diapers could be strewn about everywhere or she might get into the pantry and pull out all of your canned goods and hide them under the bed so when you go to use the tomato paste (that you KNOW you have) you can't find it, thereby ruining dinner. Whatever it might be, its always messy, sometimes tragic (when a beloved possession is annihilated), and inconvenient. But somehow, it always makes me smile, even laugh, as I try to remember to appreciate her humor and savor these days when her imagination runs wild. A huge grin from her helps too :)

Happy Jack

2008-12-02T19:57:00.000-08:00

Jack is SUCH a smiley happy baby. It doesn't take much to get him laughing!

Sadie's prayer

2008-12-02T08:32:00.000-08:00

Last night was Sadie's turn to pray:

Heaven Faddur...
Tenk you...
For bessings...
For bike...
For baby Jack...
bess me...
Jesus name...
AMEN!

I peeked open my eyes in the middle of it and smiled at Jared, who too, had opened his eyes to share a grin. It melted me that she was thankful for her baby brother.

Another treasure!

2008-11-21T13:50:00.000-08:00

Look what else I found in my treasure box! Troy and Lexi were the first of my friends to be married. I remember sitting in the relief society room in the Baton Rouge Stake Center, bawling my eyes out. The only other person crying as much or more was Troy's mama. I leaned over to whatever poor soul sitting next to my snotty mess of a self and cried "they're married for eternity!" The idea of being married for eternity was overwhelming (in a good way). I wanted to be like them. I wanted to have that kind of security. Eventually, I would. Funny thing, I didn't cry as much at my own wedding as I did at their ceremony!
Now, almost 6 years later, I still want to be like them. Troy and Lexi are the ideal couple. They've kept the ooglie-googlie-lovey-dovey in their relationship, have a sense of humor regarding life, and are truly one another's best friend. I see how they do thoughtful little things for one another and keep the fun in their marriage and I'm inspired.

Treasures

2008-11-20T18:56:00.000-08:00

My brother Kevin had put a few boxes of my things aside. They'd been carried from one house to another to another and to another. Mama suggested that I go through them while I'm here. I found old childrens books that i'm sure Sadie will love, pictures, dolls (a few of which Sadie swiped as I was rummaging through), and a couple of old jewelry boxes that belonged to my mother that she had passed down to me when I was a young girl. Do you remember when trolls were "in"? Think back 15 years ago and you might remember. See the picture above? Look closely and you'll see a hook sprouting out of the troll's head. Yes, you guessed it. This is an earring. And yes, I wore them without any sort of reservation or embarrassment at one point in my life. Next to it, you'll see a ring with a tiny doll inside. This was actually one of my mom's costume jewelry from when she was a girl. I found them both inside one of the jewelry boxes. I remember loving the ring because at first glance, it seemed like an ordinary ring. But upon further inspection, you'd discover the doll. I wore it and felt like I had a secret no one else knew.
Tucked at the very bottom of the jewelry box I found a folded envelope. Inside, I discovered my birth announcement. I had never seen it and it was neat to see. My mom said they took me out of the incubator just long enough to take the picture.

It was fun to rummage through old memories. Everything I pulled out of the boxes had a story attached and if I thought hard enough, I could transport myself back to those moments.

At the start of our trip, I asked Jared to share with me a favorite memory of his best friend.
"Why?" He asked.
"Because we've got 9 hours in the car and I figured I'd talk to you."
"I don't think I want to."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because I'll remember the memories when I need to."
"But what are good memories for if you don't remember them? And if you don't revisit them often, you'll forget. Every moment we live has potential to be a memory and if we don't make it a point to remember the memories we have, new memories will crowd the old ones out."

That's why I like to tell stories about the past. Its why I can't quite let go. Its why I hang on to birthday cards and notes friends passed me in middle school. I love visiting the past. Its how I see how far I've come.

Finally!

2008-11-19T21:33:00.000-08:00

A choir of bells are ringing out in heaven: Jared and I went on a date.

My parents watched Sadie and Jack while we went to see the new James Bond. It was the only thing that wasn't rated R and remotely interesting. I wasn't thrilled about it, and challenged the movie to win me over, which it did in the first 3 seconds. Its one of those movies with so much action that it doesn't matter if you can't completely follow the plot because you're so mesmerized by the hard-hitting action sequences.

Afterward, we went to Starbucks for apple cider and warm milk before picking up the babies. Sadie had a good time hanging with Papa J and Jammie. My poor dad works the night shift and usually sleeps till he goes, but with Sadie crawling on his head and chattering away, he didn't get his nap. He didn't seem to mind at all, but that's just Daddy. He'd do anything for the babies.

It was nice to feel like a person and not a job for 3 hours. Not that I don't like my job, (in fact I missed my babies and was delighted to see them smile at me when I returned) its just that its 24/7 and hard to remember that i'm more than milk, diapers, and "Elmo's World," when you don't get a break.

we made it

2008-11-14T20:07:00.000-08:00

I made the 12 hour drive across the gulf south with two babies who hate riding in the car without needing a straight jacket in the end. Yay for me!

The key to survival was breaking the trip into digestible bits.

I picked Jared up from work on Wednesday and we drove to his parents' house in Houston for the night so on Thursday, we only had 9 hours left. Houston to Baton Rouge was so familiarly easy since we've made that drive a thousand times and since its broken down (houston to beaumont, beaumont to lake charles, lake charles to lafayette, lafayette to baton rouge). We were able to stop for a little while in Baton Rouge and visit our very dear friends Jamie and Holly and their beautiful babies. I wanted to see ALL of my dear friends, but we had such a limited amount of time. The idea of picking a neutral meeting place and having everyone conviene there crossed my mind, but then I realized everyone was working or in school. We're going to try to catch more friends on the way back since it'll be the weekend.

I can't tell you how fantastic it was to see Holly and Jamie. It felt like the last 7 months closed in and we were right back to not having ever moved away. The babies had grown and changed so much and I was smitten with all of their cuteness. I was so sad to have to leave them...especially without being able to say when i'd see them again.

The drive from Baton Rouge to Florida was even easier. I've made that drive since I was born (well, New Orleans to Florida anyway) and its such a quick drive.

It was so great to see my family. I'm not used to not visiting and I crave them when I don't get to see them once every other month. I'm looking forward to soaking in the moments for the next week!

I never liked cutting hair. I never know which ones to cut.

2008-11-10T20:42:00.000-08:00

"Oh no! Oh my gosh....oh, I. AM. SOOOO. SORRY."

Not what you want to hear when someone is cutting your hair.
Those words came out of my mouth and floated the short distance to my poor husband's ears.

"What?! What did you do? What did you do?!" He asked, grasping the sides of his head.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I. AM. SOOOOO. SORRY."

"Oh my gosh! How...wha? What number did you use?" (if you don't know, the lower the clipper number, the shorter the hair.)

"I really thought it was a 4." I cried.

I showed him the "1"

There was a huge gash of hair missing from the side of his head. You could see scalp. My eyes welled up with tears.

"Okay. Lets just think about this." he said in some sort of denial that lead him to believe there was actually something to think about. Like we could consider regrowing his hair or picking up a handful from the floor and taping it back on.

Jack started to cry so I left Jared alone to "think." He sat in the bathroom for a while and I went in to check on him.

"Are you okay? I mean, Jack's getting fussy so we need to finish up."

"There's no need to rush. I just need to think. I mean, do I shave it all off or just wait it out and let my hair grow back?"

"Put a big bandage over it and tell people you have a head injury. Can you wear a hat to work?" I asked.

I left him to 'think' some more and after about 45 minutes we attempted to "fix" things by making the fade shorter. Despite our best efforts, his head looked like a mushroom.
So we had no choice but to shave it.

See, you have to understand the fear in this. Jared has been worried that if we were to shave his head, it might not grow back. I'd like to reassure him that it will, but what do I know? I'm no hair-ologist.

Can you see the part that I originally shaved above his ear? Its not so bad with the rest of it buzzed. Its different, but I still think he looks adorable.

"You have a nice shaped head, Jared."

"Thank goodness." We said together.

"Are you mad at me?"

"I'm not mad at you, sweetie. I just need some time to adjust."

Jared smiled and exhaled. He kissed me lovingly and I felt grateful to be married to such a kind and patient man.

halloween

2008-11-01T19:59:00.000-07:00

Halloween night. Our first, real trick-or-treating experience. Last year, we went out with Holly and Jamie, but the girls didn't really know what was going on. This year, Sadie could actually say "trick or treat!"
Here we are with our buds Angela and Brayden. Sadie was a Ladybug (2nd year in a row. hey, it still fit and I felt horribly ill most of last week.) and Brayden was a bumble bee so we had little insects buzzing around us for the night. Jack was a "Jack-o-lantern." He was calm and mellow for his first Halloween. I was impressed! We went over to a neighborhood where several of our friends live and did a little trick-or-treating. Sadie loves candy, but was perplexed with the whole "begging" part. She was really cautious and looked sort of lost. Brayden wanted to eat everything he got RIGHT after he got it. None of this putting it in the bag and saving it for later stuff. And if there were any toys left around the yard or in an open garage, he'd go for it and start playing. It was so funny! Jack slept for a good ways of it. He was a really cute pumpkin!

Happy Birthday Jamie and Holly

2008-10-29T00:00:00.000-07:00

These two girls could always brighten my day.

One semester at LSU we had a break that overlapped and I'd always find them upstairs in the Union. I seemed to always be stressed (in that dramatic way of mine) and venting about something. Jamie and Holly would lend me their sympathetic ears and find some way to relate to whatever craziness I was going through. They had a way of grounding me and helping me feel safe that made me gravitate towards them.

Through the 8 years we've known each other, we've gone from college, to young and married and newly employed, to mommies trying to figure it all out together. And voyaging that transition together; sharing the struggles and the joy- that's what makes them two of my closest friends on the planet.

I hope today is as beautiful for them as they are to me.

Love you girls. Happy Birthday.

New Car

2008-10-24T18:53:00.000-07:00

My new 2003 Ford Escape. This is not actually her, but a picture of what she looks like. I can fit both kids in it comfortably and if I lose a few pounds, probably myself between the two of them in the back seat. Its a pretty red, drives nice, has had only one previous owner (who only drove it 8,300 miles a YEAR!), a 6 CD changer, power everything, and is in great overall condition. Jared, with all his car saleseman insider knowledge, was able to knock $3,000 off of the asking price. He pretty much mowed them down and it was darn sexy.

Good bye knees-to-my-chest-sitting-so-close-to-the-dash-the-air-bag-will-kill-me-if-it-goes-off-since-Jack's-car-seat-is-taking-up-all-of-the-space-in-the-civic and hello leg room, four doors, and cargo space. Yes!

To my Civic: Don't feel bad. Its not you, its me. My needs have grown. You did nothing wrong. You're just small by design and that's part of why I love you. You're gas mileage has saved us tons and we've been so many places together; 114,000 miles worth, to be exact. You've been great to me and i'll continue to drive you when i'm without the kiddos.

2008-10-24T07:52:00.000-07:00

The overwhelmedness continues in the Rawson household. We need a break away from $1000.00 worth of car repairs, lost car titles, screaming constipated babies, cramped living spaces, feelings of inadequacy, and sleepless nights.

overwhelmedness

2008-10-22T19:43:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt this way?
Overwhelming love and gratitude and happiness and pride and glee... and exhaustion and guilt and fear and frustration and even overwhelming overwhelmedness (Yes, I said it. Overwhelming overwhelmedness. Proper pronounciation: over-well-med-ness.) so much so that you want to thrust yourself out of a moving vehicle going about 70 on I-10 to escape the choir of screams, chokes, and gags coming from your two beautiful children sitting in the back seat? Okay, so maybe when I'm feeling love, gratitude, happiness, pride and glee the whole jumping out of a car thing doesn't apply, but oh how quickly a happy little moment filled day can go from one side of the line to the other.

Like when you catch your two year old with "Daddy's Deoderant" and she's smiling so you pick her up and find that she's put it under her armpits because that's what Daddy does so you bust out laughing and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Then you turn around and this same child is screaming and throwing a Daninino yogurt and snot is shooting out of her nose because she's crying so hard. Now, the baby is screaming and when you go to comfort him, the two year old screams harder because she's not getting mommy's attention. So you pile these two children on top of you in an attempt to regain peace and sanity but they are both fighting against you so hard you give up.

Lately, I feel overwhelming overwhelmedness. I want to be two people that can give my two children the same amount of love and attention that my one child received before baby #2 came along. I want to have the laundry done, the floors vacuumed, the dishes washed, the errands run. I want to be a supportive wife, a patient mother, a servant of my Heavenly Father, a long-distance friendship keeper, an e-mail returner, a book reader, a playdate keeper, a phone call answerer, a house cleaner. A loving sister, daughter, mother, grandaughter, niece, wife, aunt.

I can't do it. But I WANT to. And wanting too so badly is what is causing the overwhelmedness. Its what's provoking me to buy earplugs to use while driving. Its what's leaving me with enough guilt that I want to cry soft and hard in an attempt to purge it all from the bottom of my stomach. You know, that place that swirls and then tightens with the back of your throat right before a good cry?

So Dixie...

2008-10-18T19:36:00.000-07:00

So, Dixie. I think waaaaay too much. Fourth folder from the top of the page that pops up when I click 'pictures' on my computer button dealie thingie? or Fourth folder chronologically from when folders started existing on this computer? I chose fourth folder chronologically from when folders started existing on this computer and then went to the fourth picture in that folder.

This is a picture from October 2005. Jared's brother Daniel and his wife, Catherine came to visit us in Baton Rouge. We went hiking in Tunica Hills and took this picture. We were newlyweds...Jared and I married in July and Daniel and Catherine in August.

For those of you who are confused, the tag is to post the fourth picture from the fourth folder in your pictures file. Angela, Jenn, Holly, Jamie, and Lexi... I dare you to try it!

2008-10-18T08:50:00.000-07:00

I KNEW I had a can of tomato paste!!! I found it underneath my bed while looking for a shoe.

Go crazy?

2008-10-18T07:39:00.000-07:00

Me: Sadie, if you don't stop I am going to go CRAZY!

Sadie: Go crazy? Sadie come? Sadie go crazy. Go with Mama?

Yesterday morning was a little rough. Jared and I were trying to get the kids ready so we could run errands and Sadie was particularly whiny. It was our fault, really, since we let her stay up past 10pm the night before. We've been telling her for a month that we'd get her a bike for her birthday. Everyday she'd ask for it and the reply was "yes, Sadie. but you have to wait for your birthday." Well, her birthday came and went and we didn't produce. So Thursday I planned on following through on my promise.

7:42pm Sadie and I are on our way to pick up her bike from Wal-mart.
8:34pm we emerge with bike, soft drinks, rice, apples, bottled water, green chilies...why am I incapable of coming out of Wal-mart with only what I intended to buy??
9:10pm Jared begins to assemble bike.
9:20pm I begin to here murmurings: "Aght! STUPID! What the? Why the? Grrrrr...."
10:00pm Sadie is crying because she keeps trying to sit on the parts of the bike Jared has assembled, but Jared is still trying to assemble the bike and needs Sadie to move. Her feelings are hurt and its WAAAAAY past her bed time.
10:30pm Bike is complete... Well, almost. The wheels are on backwards. Sadie sits on the bike for 2 1/2 minutes and then is peeled off of it to go to bed with promises that the bike will be there in the morning.
12:30am Jared comes to bed after figuring out how to finish the bike.

So, Friday morning was rough for the tired Rawsons. I told Sadie I was going crazy and she wanted to come too.

Pumpkin Patch

2008-10-12T16:30:00.000-07:00

Saturday, we took the babies to a pumpkin patch in Houston. Catherine and Daniel brought Peyton and our good friend Kathy brought her little girl Ana Julia.
This place is an exotic farm year round (Sounds a little dirty, I know) and they let a few of their animals run around the patch for the kids to pet. Sadie was a little scared of the Joey, but after much coaxing, I got her to come near him. They also had a cute pot bellied pig, two South African Raccoons, and a baby dear.
Here's a good picture of our fellow Awesome Rawsons.

Catherine, who is amazingly creative and talented, transformed these pictures into cute works of art!

This girl didn't want to pet the cute 10inch baby deer or the Charlotte's Web-esque pot bellied pig or the adorable Joey kangaroo, but she was DEMANDING to pet the dirty ole' Llamas with the funky teeth. Llamas don't really like humans so I had to stealth-ninja style it to get her close to one. We finally found a crippled gimpy llama that couldn't escape us.
Jack was loving the pumpkin patch.
The artistic stylings of Catherine Rawson...

The Things We Love About Our Sadie Bug

2008-10-10T19:53:00.000-07:00

Sadie loves to look for airplanes when we're driving in the car. The plane will look like a mosquito, its so far away, but Sadie will point it out. Do we have a future air traffic controller in our midst?

She has an awesome memory. I can show her a picture of someone once and she'll remember their name and face days later. She learned all of her ABC's by the time she was 18 months old.

She loves to read. Her favorite right now is "The Cat in the Hat." She also likes "The Very Hungry Catipillar" by Eric Carle and "The House that Jack Built" by Tabot.

This girl is obsessed with shoes and no matter how ugly the shoe, she makes them look cute.

Whenever we get in the car Sadie wants me to put her "sh-ong on" which means I get to listen to Colbie Callait's song "bubbly" for however long it takes us to get to where we're going. I'm glad its a good song and not something that makes me want to jump out of the car. Lately, she even sings along to the part where Colbie says "Wherever, wherever, wherever, you go..."

Sadie likes to help take care of Jack, but she'll let you know when she's "all finished."

If we are somewhere were there are toys, she'll find the bike and ain't no body gettin' on it once she's got a hold of it.

Sadie is a happy kid who loves to be around people. She has an infectious laugh. She also has a sense of pride whenever she does something good. She'll smile and say "GOOD JOB!"

She asks to pray before bed and is always willing to offer up the prayer. Then we follow the bedtime routine by taking her to her room, giving her "lovie" to sleep with, have her turn off the light, then hold her next to her bed for a little bit after which she raises her head, gives us a kiss and says "night night."

Sadie will point out everything for which she knows the word. Right now the favorite is "candle"...appropriate for birthday time coinicidentally.

She yells "TOUCHDOWN!" and throws both hands in the air while saying it. She will also yell out "Geaux Tigers!" when LSU is playing. Also, whenever golf is on TV or we pass a golf course she says "golf" to let us know...must be daddy's little girl!

Any time she wants to be held she will look up at us and say "hold you?'', and if we can't at the moment, she is relentless about asking over and over until we can or give in.

She likes to be thrown high into the air by Daddy, much to Mama's lament, and then says "high...!" when Daddy's gone past her height limit.

Sadie likes taking Daddy to work and picking him up once nap time is over. She realizes where she is once coming off the off ramp exit that takes us into his workplace by saying "Daddy work?"

Some of her favorite pasttimes include going to story time at the public library, going to Chuck-E-Cheese and Wal-Mart to ride the horsie for $.50, playing at the park, go see friends, watch Mickey Mouse and Super Why, and being spoiled by both grandparents.

Sadie LOVES music. When she was really young, she would "conduct" music in church during the hymns. Now, she sings and loves to play on the piano. She also loves the guitar.

Sadie's birthday cake should have been made out of "Daninino" yogurt. She eats a little cup of it and asks for another right away. For every meal, she asks for a "Daninino". Other favorites are Macaroni and Cheese, chocolate milk, and gold fish.

We love our little Sadie Bug and can't believe she's already two! No matter how old she gets, she'll always be our baby girl.

2008-10-08T20:30:00.000-07:00

Jack needed a swing....BAD. So Catherine and I went to a resale baby shop here in Houston. We checked out all of the swings and bouncy seats and found this one for a fraction of its original cost. It works great (see picture below).

Tada!!!!

2008-10-08T19:50:00.000-07:00

I finally caught a smile!

2008-10-06T19:32:00.000-07:00

Jack is a happy little guy. He was smiling and cooing, but I wasn't fast enough to get a smile on camera. Here, he's coming down off of a smile. Can you tell?

We caught Sadie with her head tilted back, peering out from under her hair. Her hair had gotten so long, she couldn't see so I put a pony tail up top to help her out. This lasted about 20 minutes and then she came up to me crying for it to come out. So....

We decided to give her a hair cut. This one went way better than the last. She still looked uncomfortably concerned over the whole process, but wasn't in tears by the end.

Here she is with her new bob.
Jack is enjoying his baths now that we are putting him in a little tub. I guess sponge baths aren't what they're cracked up to be.
Sadie hated these type tubs when she was small enough to fit in them, but now that Jack's in them, they're sooooo interesting!

Following Lexi

2008-10-06T08:17:00.000-07:00

After reading Lexi's very entertaining tutorial on making pumpkin gingerbread, I decided to give it a try. I enlisted Sadie's help.

Sadie has helped me mix all of the "dry" ingredients. As you can see, she used her hands to achieve this task.
Here we are getting ready to spray our bread pans with Pam.
Sadie thought Crisco tasted wonderful straight up. Yuck.
The finished product. The loaf on the right is completely gone already. I started on the left loaf for breakfast this morning. We didn't share a loaf like Lexi. She's a better person that I am.

Budding artist

2008-10-02T09:43:00.000-07:00

"Ahhh! What's that?"

I felt something cool stripe my foot. I looked down from doing the dishes to see Sadie looking up at me with a hot pink marker. She smiled her proud smile and went back to work. I surveyed the damage: Her feet were covered in pink, there was a bold pink stripe down the front of her brand new pants, her hands were stained pink, the floor next to her had deliberate pink scribbles, and Momma (of course) has been pinked as well. I realized she was trying to do my feet the way she did her own. It was cute. And fortunately washable.

She did manage to get some on a piece of paper, which she proudly showed me.

2008-10-01T19:14:00.000-07:00

My sweet little man has been cooing a lot more lately. He's even cracked a few smiles (though not shown in pictures above). I love this little guy.

I still have to wrap my mind around the idea that I'm married with two children. Wasn't I the child just a minute ago? Sometimes I forget that i'm a grown up and do things like take my shoes off and sit cross legged at a restaurant. Or say something like "dude, that would totally suck" in the middle of a Sunday school lesson. I feel like I'm caught in some thinly veiled world where I'm too old to know the lingo/fashion of the highschoolers, but I feel too young to be called "m'am" or "lady" or "sister rawson" or to drive a mini-van (gosh, I wish I had a mini-van! the Honda Odessy to be exact...silver...with a 6 disc CD player and automatic sliding doors).

Jack's blessing

2008-09-28T16:37:00.000-07:00

I love being tagged!

2008-09-26T20:19:00.000-07:00

Thanks Lexi! I love being tagged! These are so much fun!

I am: Trying my best.
I think: incessantly/all the time/ too much.
I know: That Jared loves me.
I want: security.
I have: been blessed with more than I realize.
I dislike: not being heard.
I miss: my family, my friends, baton rouge, college.
I fear: that my family will be taken from me before I'm ready to let them go.
I feel: like I'm swimming up stream
I hear: a voice in my head telling me I should be preparing my Sunday school lesson.
I smell: clean and shower fresh.
I crave: sleep. chocolate. cuddles from Sadie, Jack, and Jared.
I cry: more than most, but not as often recently.
I usually: wake up hungry
I search: for my missing cell phone more often than i'd like.
I wonder: why birds in San Antonio are like Kamikazes that will fly within inches of your windshield.
I regret: Not being around more for my brothers.
I wish: as humans had 4:1 ratio of arms to children. We'd look funny, but life would be easier.
I love: my family deeply.
I care: about what mark I leave on the world.
I always: shower before bed.
I worry: my family will be taken from me.
I am not: shallow.
I remember: feelings and emotions over the detailed facts of an event.
I believe: In Jared.
I sing: the lyrics to songs (even when I don't know them).
I don't always: know the right thing to say.
I argue: and won't stop till you see my point of view.
I write: so I can tangibly see my feelings.
I win: most of my arguments with Jared ;)
I lose: A lot of sleep being a mom.
I listen: poorly when i'm nervous/excited/overwhelmed.
I don't understand: How you can love one of your children less than the other.
I can usually be found: with Sadie and Jack.
I need: a break.
I forget: phone numbers and names.
I am happy: yes. I am.

Holly, Jamie, and Jenn, you're it!

This Monday's retail adventure

2008-09-22T18:09:00.000-07:00

Last Monday, I took on HEB, this Monday Target and Cosco.

Target went smoothly, aside from Sadie's meltdown near a nursery display where she wanted to play on the rocking chair. Cosco was a little more challenging.

First, I'd like to say, I love Cosco. Call me ghetto, call me redneck, but i like a place where you can nearly eat a whole meal for free. Yes, i am referring to the free samples. "Take several" one of the sample peddlers told me. "Gladly!" I thought. Its a guilty pleasure i've indulged in my whole life: seeking out the sample carts with absolutely no intention of purchasing whatever is being marketed. Bonus points for believability whilst trying to pretend that the product is so good that the sample peddler did their job in convincing you to buy the product. The guiltiest part, of course, being that a lot of the time I take the product, put it in my cart, and then ditch it in a totally different part of the store when out of sight for the peddler.

Anyway...while enjoying my mini-cup of orange juice and canadian bacon, I felt splashing liquid around my ankles. I looked over to find the source. Sadie. Pee-pee soaked and streaming like a super-soaker water gun through her diaper. She was sitting in the basket and Jack was in his carrier in the back part of the basket. She was positioned in just the right spot to hit his carrier on the way down to the floor. Of course, there was a bunch of people waiting to partake of their o.j. and canadian bacon. I tried to look for napkins, but there were just mini cups and cupcake paper (what the bacon was in). Embarrased, I quickly pushed the cart away, leaving a dripping trail behind me.

I know I should have cleaned it up or alerted someone who works there, but I panicked. I really shouldn't have even been there with both of them by myself. I was challanging myself based on the successes of HEB and Target. But the Cosco outing was dangerously close to Jack's feeding time and Sadie was in need of a nap. Fearing a meltdown, I headed to check out. Guess what I went there to get? Diapers.

So in the parking lot I stripped Sadie down. She thought it was a game and wiggled and ran. I put her in the car, ripped open the box of diapers, wiped her from the neck down with a antibacterial hand wipe and strapped her in her seat wearing only a diaper.

Then, the meltdowns started. Sadie didn't want to be in her chair, she was naked (almost) and hungry. Jack was hungry. Heck, I was hungry.

We made it home, babies were fed, and we all laid down for a nap (of course Sadie and Jack would not nap at the same time, but we all laid there at least).

I'll try Wal-mart next week.

Response to Jamie and Jess

2008-09-22T17:03:00.000-07:00

Jamie and Jess, here's the back story on the hula hoop:

When i was in the 4th grade, I was not very athletic. How not athletic you ask? I was the kid SHIELDING myself from the ball rather than batting, hitting, or kicking it. All the other kids anticipated, loved, and looked forward to P.E. and I dreaded it. To me, it made perfect sense to NOT want to go outside in 90 degree temperatures with a gazillion percent humidity. I didn't like to be hot, I didn't like to sweat, and most importantly, I didn't like my lack of athletic ability to be made fun of. So when presented with several sporty options one day, I found the least sport-like: the hula hoop. I figured it wouldn't be too hard and it wouldn't require me to run. However, I underestimated the skill involved with keeping the hoop above my ankles. Seeing a group of girls jumping through the hula hoop like a jump rope, I decided I'd have a better chance at this.

For about 30 blissful seconds, I was a hula jumping star. And then as the hoop was rounding up and over my head I felt a huge yank. You see, when I was in the 4th grade, my hair was down to my knees and the hula hoop didn't stand a chance.

Remember that whole I didn't want "to be made fun of" deal? The whole 4th grade gathered around the wall-o-windows that looked into the front office while the custodian used a saw to cut through the hula hoop and free me of my purple and white striped captor.

There are people in my life that still remember that day and aren't shy about laughing about it to this day!

I'm tagging myself

2008-09-21T13:49:00.000-07:00

1. 3 Joys
Jared
Sadie
Jack

2. 3 Fears
The people I love dying
The people I love leaving me
The people I love being unhappy

3. Current Goals
Sleep
Get back into a healthier shape
Raise babies

4. Current Obsessions
HGTV
Reading blogs
Finding clothes that fit

5. Random facts about me
I almost had my thumb cut off when I was two.
I got my hair caught in a hula hoop when I was in the 4th grade.
I like stinky baby feet.

changed

2008-09-16T20:20:00.000-07:00

Sadie looked so cute this morning in a brand new outfit from Uncle Dale, Aunt Laura, and Addison that I had to take her picture.

I was taking pictures of Jack and Sadie said "Say-dee pitchur. Ma-ma, Say-dee pitchur."
So I took one of her.

Sadie is turing two in less than a month. These two years have been the fastest two years of my life. Holding Jack, I am reminded of when Sadie was an infant. The thought of her being so small...so quiet and helpless...is almost absurd to me now. She's changed so much. Sometimes I steal small moments during the day where I close my eyes and try to remember the smell of winter 2006. I try to recreate in my mind the sound of her toy star playing music and the way the light filtered through our Baton Rouge apartment. I remember her sleeping on my chest while i'd read books and chase sleep. I remember thinking that she'd break if I didn't take perfect care of her. Now she is so strong and brilliant and the early months of her life have become a movie I recall or a book I have read. I remember that it happened, but it seems distant - almost surreal - as if the memories happened to someone else and were transplanted to me.

She's changed so much in such a little amount of time. Now, Jack will do the same. I'm breathing in every moment and savoring this.

2008-09-16T20:12:00.000-07:00

How I was able to get 6 loads of laundry washed, dried, and folded today.

I also managed to take both babies on a light grocery run to HEB and to a playgroup at a friend's house. I cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed (twice, actually), and made a lasagna, all before picking up Jared from work, giving Sadie and Jack a bath, and going to the gym to work out.

I rock.

Now only if I could sleep like one.

Pictures of the last few weeks

2008-09-08T19:19:00.000-07:00

Sadie finally gives Jack the "thumbs up."

Jack was watching football with Daddy and it looks like he's as big a fan as Sadie was.
Today I put Sadie in pig-tails for the first time. She actually left them in for about a half an hour!
Sadie likes to hold Jack. She can be very nurturing when she wants to be. She can also be a little rough. I have to watch to make sure she's not smothering him, kicking him, or poking his eyes out.
I love this picture of Sadie in Uncle "K-K's" shoes. This girl is obsessed with shoes. EVERYONE's and every kind of shoe. They're on the wrong feet, but hey, when they're ten times too big, what's the difference?
I need to figure out how to set the timer on the camera so I can be in a few pictures.
I love this kid's hair!

Sadie rocking it Thug style. "J-J" and "Jammie" bought Sadie some new pants. These are 18 month pants and look how big they are on her!

Jack

2008-08-15T09:42:00.000-07:00

Baby Jack was born Tuesday, August 12 at 8:15am. He weighed in at a whopping 9 lbs, is 20 1/4 inches long, and has a head full of almost-black hair.

Sadie is meeting her little brother for the first time. She wanted to poke out his eyes! Overall, she was pretty excited. But, much like other toys or activities, she got bored and said "Bye bye baby. Bye bye Jack." when she had enough.

Here's Daddy with his two babies
We came home yesterday morning and "survived" our first night at home (with little to no sleep) and are all doing well. My brothers are in town and have been a big help with Sadie . We'll update you with tales of our survival later!

2008-08-09T07:39:00.000-07:00

Jack will be here by the end of this week. Dr. Theis said he wanted to see me Monday, if I haven't already had him before then, he'll schedule an induction for the end of the week. He didn't think I'd last till Thursday, so we'll see.

In the meantime, I'm going through a myriad of emotions. I'm excited to meet my new little one and am ready to get to know him like I know Sadie. I look at her and all the joy she brings to me and Jared and I think of how that joy is about to double. But at the same time, I feel like i'm betraying Sadie in some sort of way. She'll have to become a little more independent and learn to share Mama and Daddy. It'll be good for her to have a little brother, I know. The feelings are complex. I also look at the little bassinet I set up in our room each morning and its a reminder of the lack of sleep I'll be getting when he arrives. I'm also afraid of being trapped inside for the next month with two babies. It took time to learn to incorporate Sadie into my life, and now I can't imagine life without her. I'll have to learn to do the same with Jack. I'm just nervous.

Do you guys have any pointers for me? Have any of you felt this way?

Tag. 6 words that describe me.

2008-08-06T19:37:00.000-07:00

Since Jenn Tagged me...

6 words that describe me:

Sensitive

Emotional

Creative

Nurturing

Compassionate

Anxious

This would probably work better if I had someone else write 6 words to describe me. If anyone wants to give an honest reflection of who they think I am in 6 words, feel free! I'm curious.

Badge of honor

2008-08-04T20:51:00.001-07:00

I was in the lucky 20%. Not a single stretch-mark from my pregnancy with Sadie. Sometimes I felt a little guilty that I escaped so easily with out them when so many of my peers were not so lucky. But then, tonight, while doing my routine after-bath tummy inspection, I noticed a cluster of squiggly little reddish-purple scribbles on the left side of my belly button. I tried to make sense of them. They weren't there last night. Maybe they are just left over debris from where I bumped my belly on the corner of the table? I stared at them, they stared right back.

My initial reaction: "Nooo!!! This baby needs to come NOW! I can't have these! They'll get worse if I get any bigger!"

I believed that God knew I couldn't handle feeling any more insecure about my appearance than I already do, so He spared me in the stretch-mark department. So why do I have them this time? After a little bit of thought, I realized that I'm not as upset as I thought I would be. Horribly insecure and body-hating Courtney would be devestated. Yes, I'm not thrilled with them, but I think much of my initial reaction came from a place that thought I should be upset with having them, rather than a place of true feeling.

The marks remind me of an aerial view of where the ocean meets the sand. Little wavy lines gather at the shore of the island of my belly button. Its okay.
Maybe I have them now as a sort of badge of honor. God knows that now I'm stronger, a tiny bit more secure, and ready to accept being flawed. Maybe I'll let them remind that our bodies are beautiful even when imperfect and that they can do amazingly miraculous things (like grow another human being).

FIRE!

2008-07-30T20:40:00.000-07:00

Our Mommy and Me adventure this week brought us to the local Fire Department for a tour. Let me tell you, these are the nicest men. They treat the Firehouse like its they're home and they invited us in graciously. They even offered us breakfast! This is one of the firemen showing the kids (and us grown ups) his gear.

They let the kiddies get up on the truck. Did you know that a ladder truck cost $750,000?!
Sadie really liked this part. We had to have the fireman escort her off because she didn't want to come down!
They brought out the hose for the kids to "spray." They turned the lights and siren on for added effect.
Here, i'm helping Sadie to "spray" the hose.
So, I didn't fix my hair this morning. Don't judge me.
It was a fabulous time. I felt like I had made a few buddies by the end of the tour. They reassured me that they could deliver a baby if needed. I feel good knowing they're a mile and a half up the road.

Pioneer Day festivities

2008-07-26T15:20:00.000-07:00

We waited in line for a very VERY long time for a ride on a pony. This was the moment I understood why my dad tried to hit every ride/show at whatever seasonal theme park we happened to visit. When you invest part of yourself ($54.99 per ticket to enter and a 14 hour car ride in my dad's case; and an hour of my life in the sun, 9 months pregnant, trying everything to keep Sadie from crossing the ropes and getting trampled by a pony; not succeeding, so having to hold her, in my case) you want to get the most out of your investment. So when Sadie said "go?" and put her head on my shoulder; clearly tired, I told her "no. we have to wait to ride the pony before we can go." And that's what we did. We waited and her turn came and the whole 2 minutes that she rode she stared at the silver medallion on the top part of the saddle, pushing it like a button. I think I could have had her sit on a saddle without the horse and she wouldn't have known the difference. But I felt good being able to say "Sadie rode a pony." And isn't that part of it all? Giving them the experience? Or maybe its giving us the experience of saying they had the experience? Either way. I don't regret it!

Sadie's first snowball after the pony ride:
Pina Colda. In case you were wondering.

Fuuuuun!

2008-07-25T20:11:00.000-07:00

I was killing ten minutes on the computer before leaving to go pick Jared up from work when I hear "fun? fun! fuuuuuun!" behind me. I turn around to see this:

Apparently, Sadie knows how to open the bubbles now. She spilled the entire bottle on the floor and herself, then went on to slosh her legs and arms in the slimy mess. Of course, now its time to go get Daddy from work and Sadie needs a bath. It was really funny, though. I couldn't help but take a picture.

Chuck-E-Cheese

2008-07-25T18:26:00.000-07:00

We introduced Sadie to Chuck-E-Cheese. She didn't like him much at first, but they became pals after a while. Mainly, Sadie likes to watch all of the lights and motions from all of the arcade-like games. I didn't even need to buy tokens at first. But then I thought it only fair to give her the whole experience, instead of milking her ignorance. And then of course once she found out that you don't just sit in the car with Chuck E, that it actually MOVES, I couldn't get her to go back to play without tokens.

We played a few rounds of skee-ball and I "helped" Sadie swat a few monsters over the head with a huge mallet and we won enough tickets for this:

All in all, we had a great time.

Memory Post

2008-07-20T18:42:00.000-07:00

1. Add a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember!

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you. If you don't want to play on your blog, or if you don't have a blog, I'll leave my memory of you in my comments. I can't wait to see what people remember.

It'll be fun! I tag all of y'all!

Sadie's first haircut

2008-07-08T17:08:00.000-07:00

This girl's bangs were out of control and chronically in her eyes. She refused to keep any sort of bow, band, or clip in her hair so the only option was to give her a little cut. I won't pretend I didn't cry later. After all, this is a sort of right of passage. My baby girl is old enough to have hair long enough that needs to be cut. I try to remind myself that some babies come out of the womb with enough hair that needs to be cut.

Aunt Catherine did the deed. I'm so glad it was her and not me. Otherwise, Sadie's head would look crooked.

Here's the after:Notice the tears...
Upon finishing, Sadie politely told Catherine "Tenk Tu" translated as "Thank You" through her tears. It either means "Thank You" or "Thank you, you've done enough, now back off." I'm thinking its the latter. No, really. Thanks Catherine. We appreciate your patience and steady hand.

Japanese Sunken Gardens

2008-07-08T16:54:00.000-07:00

Here are those pictures i said i'd post of the Japanese Sunken Gardens. Its so much prettier in person.

In case you're wondering...this is how pregnant I am.

Home

2008-07-01T18:28:00.000-07:00

Space changes when people move into it. Its no longer space, but shaped and defined; marked and bounded by its occupants. A home isn't a home until people live in it and create memories there. Its just wood and sheet rock and cement. People are what make life live.

I struggled to feel at home in this apartment. Part of it was knowing that we'll only be here till March and then we'll move into a house. The other part was something I couldn't put my finger on until now. I didn't get it. I bought pillows for the couch and hung pictures on the walls so why didn't it feel homey? I hadn't lived here before. Living here meant loving here.

It happened slowly. Grandmama and Pa-pa stopped by and then Jared's Mom came. They brought warm, sweet familiarity to this place. They were reliable and comforting in the midst of stark newness. Then, we invited a series of people over for dinner. In between, Jared, Sadie and I developed routines and patterns of loving one another in this space. There were kisses and snuggles and stories read. There were prayers and blessings and tears. Sadie marked the walls and the carpet. I wore in the kitchen cabinets. Jared found his favorite spot on the living room floor. Little by little, this place became less sterile and hard.

This past weekend we had dear friends visit. Troy, Lexi, and Peyton stayed with us and we did our best to show them a little of what we've discovered of San Antonio. I was nervous, wanting them to feel comfortable and welcome and like the brutal drive here was worth it. Hopefully, mission was accomplished. We went to the Riverwalk on Saturday and took a boat tour down the river. That afternoon and evening we ate out; lunch at Genghis and dinner at Perico's. Sunday morning we went to the Japanese Tea Gardens (i'll post those pictures in a later post) and Brackenridge Park before heading to church at 1pm. That evening we made a pizza, played a game and talked and laughed till it was bed time. It was the best weekend i've had since we moved here.

After they left on Monday, I walked around the apartment. I saw how Lexi had taken such great care to make the bed, fold up the pack-n-play, tidy the bathroom (she took out the trash!), and reset the toys in the living room. She reminded me of myself. I have this philosophy of "leave nothing behind but the memories." But the funny thing about this was that by doing those things, she was leaving her mark. That night, right before Sadie went to sleep, I looked at the books she had tucked into a basket in the living room. I saw the puzzle on the floor and the bucket of letters Sadie loves to play with. All of these things were neatly arranged in a way that was different from the way that I normally do it. Suddenly, and quite unexpectedly, I started to bawl my eyes out. I missed her and Peyton and Troy. I wanted the apartment to stay the way that they left it. Why? Because having them here was another piece of what makes this place alive and home and love.

I'm really looking forward to August when my brother Kevin will come to visit. It will be so great to see him after so many months. I've never gone so long without seeing him or the rest of my family. That's really been hard for me. But i'm finding that over time, with the help of people (friends) and my family, other things are getting easier and easier.

Sit-tures

2008-06-24T20:34:00.000-07:00

"Sit-tures!" "Sit-tures!"

Sadie points at the mantle of the fireplace where we keep the scriptures. I put them up there because she loves to finger through the delicate pages and pull on the tabs.

"read?!"

I had realized my own lacking in the will to regularly read scriptures; noting that its a simple task I regularly fail. Its one of those things I always ask for help with to be better about, but never seem to act fully upon doing so. My good friend Jamie and I had a recent discussion regarding faith and prayer. We learned that faith requires action and prayer without faith is void. So doesn't that mean that prayer requires action?

I kept waiting for Heavenly Father to sprinkle excitement and drive to read scriptures down upon me like I sprinkle Splenda on my Rice Crispies in the morning. Maybe my prayers for help and inspiration were more like half hearted confessionals? In any case, this recent discussion with Jamie lead me to evaluate my prayers. I made an effort to act and Jared and I broke out the scriptures to read to Sadie before bed. Now this little 20 month old baby is begging for us to "read sit-tures" every night. How inspiring! She's excited to read them and then to "pay" (pray) afterwards. She'll fold her arms and repeat the words we speak.

He used her to answer my prayers. And I thought I was supposed to be the one teaching her.

I've got a lot to learn.

2008-06-15T15:11:00.000-07:00

We are among the few who have no cable or satellite TV. Unfortunately, this means that a lot of the time we have to fiddle with the antenna to get a good signal for our television viewing. Today, during this all important final day of the US Open, the TV is giving Jared probems. Here is a picture of his attempt to remedy the situation.

No, it didn't work. We need cable!

Daddy's Day

2008-06-15T10:06:00.000-07:00

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!

To all of you Daddies out there: today, I celebrate you. For all the "boo-boos" you kiss, and the monsters you chase from under the bed, for the times you transformed your child into a flying air-plane or carried them on your shoulders or rocked them back to sleep in the middle of the night. Remember, any man can be a 'father', but it takes a real man to be a 'daddy!'

This morning, even though it was Father's Day, Jared got up with Sadie at 6:30am, just like always. He's so sweet. See, this Father's Day weekend was more about Sadie and me since we've been sick since Friday night. He so lovingly spent the weekend taking care of us. That's why he's so wonderful and that's why he deserves to have a day to celebrate him. I wish I could have done more for him.

When I woke up he went back to sleep and I sprung into action. I...well, let me give Sadie her credit...we made Jared Strawberry Shortcake. Sadie helped me pour all of the ingredients into the bowl and stir it up. Then she helped me kneed the dough and shape it into hearts. We made a huge mess, but the end product was fabulous. I forgot to take a picture of the finished product, but remembered to take pictures of the huge mess we made!

New Bag of Shoes

2008-06-13T10:45:00.000-07:00

Sadie LOVES shoes and yesterday one of Jared's co-workers brought a bag of play-shoes for Sadie. She is currently wearing at least one shoe at all times. Her favorite one has Cinderella on it or "rella" as she says.

2008-06-13T08:04:00.000-07:00

Here she is wearing her "rella" shoe, before giving it up for the "mu-maid" one.

2008-06-13T07:42:00.000-07:00

This was actually the first video, but I uploaded it first so it showed up last and after an hour of uploading it to the blog, I decided to leave it out of order. Here, Jared has just presented Sadie with her "surprise."

That's Him!

2008-06-11T19:54:00.000-07:00

Jared was called to work in the Young Men's Presidency at Church. He's really excited about it and I think he'll be great working with the 12 and 13 year olds. What a perfect time to be thrown into the fire. Youth Conference is this week and scout camp is coming up soon.

The Young Men's President had been praying about who should fill the position of Second Counselor. One night he had a dream and guess who's face he saw in the dream? He hadn't even met Jared before! That's what I call divine inspiration.

Jared was called to be the Ward Choir Director two weeks ago and when he stood up to take the call, the YM's President said "That's him!" and though Jared did not know it at the time, two weeks later he would be released from Choir Director before he could even lead a single note of music.