Happy Birthday Jamie and Holly

These two girls could always brighten my day.

One semester at LSU we had a break that overlapped and I'd always find them upstairs in the Union. I seemed to always be stressed (in that dramatic way of mine) and venting about something. Jamie and Holly would lend me their sympathetic ears and find some way to relate to whatever craziness I was going through. They had a way of grounding me and helping me feel safe that made me gravitate towards them.

Through the 8 years we've known each other, we've gone from college, to young and married and newly employed, to mommies trying to figure it all out together. And voyaging that transition together; sharing the struggles and the joy- that's what makes them two of my closest friends on the planet.

I hope today is as beautiful for them as they are to me.

Love you girls. Happy Birthday.

New Car

My new 2003 Ford Escape. This is not actually her, but a picture of what she looks like. I can fit both kids in it comfortably and if I lose a few pounds, probably myself between the two of them in the back seat. Its a pretty red, drives nice, has had only one previous owner (who only drove it 8,300 miles a YEAR!), a 6 CD changer, power everything, and is in great overall condition. Jared, with all his car saleseman insider knowledge, was able to knock $3,000 off of the asking price. He pretty much mowed them down and it was darn sexy.

Good bye knees-to-my-chest-sitting-so-close-to-the-dash-the-air-bag-will-kill-me-if-it-goes-off-since-Jack's-car-seat-is-taking-up-all-of-the-space-in-the-civic and hello leg room, four doors, and cargo space. Yes!

To my Civic: Don't feel bad. Its not you, its me. My needs have grown. You did nothing wrong. You're just small by design and that's part of why I love you. You're gas mileage has saved us tons and we've been so many places together; 114,000 miles worth, to be exact. You've been great to me and i'll continue to drive you when i'm without the kiddos.

The overwhelmedness continues in the Rawson household. We need a break away from $1000.00 worth of car repairs, lost car titles, screaming constipated babies, cramped living spaces, feelings of inadequacy, and sleepless nights.

overwhelmedness

Have you ever felt this way?
Overwhelming love and gratitude and happiness and pride and glee... and exhaustion and guilt and fear and frustration and even overwhelming overwhelmedness (Yes, I said it. Overwhelming overwhelmedness. Proper pronounciation: over-well-med-ness.) so much so that you want to thrust yourself out of a moving vehicle going about 70 on I-10 to escape the choir of screams, chokes, and gags coming from your two beautiful children sitting in the back seat? Okay, so maybe when I'm feeling love, gratitude, happiness, pride and glee the whole jumping out of a car thing doesn't apply, but oh how quickly a happy little moment filled day can go from one side of the line to the other.

Like when you catch your two year old with "Daddy's Deoderant" and she's smiling so you pick her up and find that she's put it under her armpits because that's what Daddy does so you bust out laughing and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Then you turn around and this same child is screaming and throwing a Daninino yogurt and snot is shooting out of her nose because she's crying so hard. Now, the baby is screaming and when you go to comfort him, the two year old screams harder because she's not getting mommy's attention. So you pile these two children on top of you in an attempt to regain peace and sanity but they are both fighting against you so hard you give up.

Lately, I feel overwhelming overwhelmedness. I want to be two people that can give my two children the same amount of love and attention that my one child received before baby #2 came along. I want to have the laundry done, the floors vacuumed, the dishes washed, the errands run. I want to be a supportive wife, a patient mother, a servant of my Heavenly Father, a long-distance friendship keeper, an e-mail returner, a book reader, a playdate keeper, a phone call answerer, a house cleaner. A loving sister, daughter, mother, grandaughter, niece, wife, aunt.

I can't do it. But I WANT to. And wanting too so badly is what is causing the overwhelmedness. Its what's provoking me to buy earplugs to use while driving. Its what's leaving me with enough guilt that I want to cry soft and hard in an attempt to purge it all from the bottom of my stomach. You know, that place that swirls and then tightens with the back of your throat right before a good cry?

So Dixie...

So, Dixie. I think waaaaay too much. Fourth folder from the top of the page that pops up when I click 'pictures' on my computer button dealie thingie? or Fourth folder chronologically from when folders started existing on this computer? I chose fourth folder chronologically from when folders started existing on this computer and then went to the fourth picture in that folder.

This is a picture from October 2005. Jared's brother Daniel and his wife, Catherine came to visit us in Baton Rouge. We went hiking in Tunica Hills and took this picture. We were newlyweds...Jared and I married in July and Daniel and Catherine in August.

For those of you who are confused, the tag is to post the fourth picture from the fourth folder in your pictures file. Angela, Jenn, Holly, Jamie, and Lexi... I dare you to try it!

I KNEW I had a can of tomato paste!!! I found it underneath my bed while looking for a shoe.

Go crazy?

Me: Sadie, if you don't stop I am going to go CRAZY!

Sadie: Go crazy? Sadie come? Sadie go crazy. Go with Mama?

Yesterday morning was a little rough. Jared and I were trying to get the kids ready so we could run errands and Sadie was particularly whiny. It was our fault, really, since we let her stay up past 10pm the night before. We've been telling her for a month that we'd get her a bike for her birthday. Everyday she'd ask for it and the reply was "yes, Sadie. but you have to wait for your birthday." Well, her birthday came and went and we didn't produce. So Thursday I planned on following through on my promise.

7:42pm Sadie and I are on our way to pick up her bike from Wal-mart.
8:34pm we emerge with bike, soft drinks, rice, apples, bottled water, green chilies...why am I incapable of coming out of Wal-mart with only what I intended to buy??
9:10pm Jared begins to assemble bike.
9:20pm I begin to here murmurings: "Aght! STUPID! What the? Why the? Grrrrr...."
10:00pm Sadie is crying because she keeps trying to sit on the parts of the bike Jared has assembled, but Jared is still trying to assemble the bike and needs Sadie to move. Her feelings are hurt and its WAAAAAY past her bed time.
10:30pm Bike is complete... Well, almost. The wheels are on backwards. Sadie sits on the bike for 2 1/2 minutes and then is peeled off of it to go to bed with promises that the bike will be there in the morning.
12:30am Jared comes to bed after figuring out how to finish the bike.

So, Friday morning was rough for the tired Rawsons. I told Sadie I was going crazy and she wanted to come too.