Thursday, July 1, 2010

Naked

There is a moment every day, that I pause to see myself.  As the water runs behind me in the tub, I peel off my clothes. I turn to the side and inspect my back; craning my neck in wonder and always doubting the honesty of my own eyes. I trace the smooth lines of my hips and stomach; evaluate their loyalty and decide whether or not to be disappointed. There are bruises where i've pinched and pulled the skin around my sides.  Soreness where i've pushed and tested and demanded much of myself.  I suck in the air around me and step tip toed into the shower.  The water is warm and washes away the outside.  I look down at my belly and watch the little streams of water pool in the center of my belly button.  Is this the way it should look? My hands move to the soft fleshy slope of my abdomen and then down the sides of my legs. Are they bigger today?  And then, I hear it. There is a voice that intersects my thoughts. It is calm and wiser than the self deprecation that scorns my thoughts. 
"You are not damaged. You are enough. Everything is okay at this moment right where you are."  I question this voice, but only slightly.  She seems older than I and much stronger.  I decide to believe her.  "These outer parts do not determine your inner parts.  They do not make you a better or worse mother, wife, friend, sister, or daughter.  Let go.  Let yourself accept them. Love them."
I close my eyes and feel a warmth dance from my rib cage up to my throat. Present in the moment, I feel whole.  I feel bliss.  I feel loved and accepted. 
I shut off the water and pull open the shower curtain.  Faced with my own reflection, I smile at my naked self.  Everything is just the way it should be; no betrayals, no disappointment, no disparagement. 

3 comments:

aidanjordan said...

I needed to read this...especially after my failed attempt at buying a new bathing suit last night. Ugh.

retrobec said...

Thanks for this! It's something I needed to hear as well.

Jen~Nay88 said...

Thank you!!!! :) I need to remember this everytime I start to feel those thoughts of rejection, embarassement and dissapointment. I'm me and that's enough :)