Happy Birthday Sadie

One year ago at this time I was laying in a hospital bed. Jared was trying his hardest to drown out the hospital noise andsleep on the fold out couch under the bright florescent lights . Little Sadie was in her bassinet. I look back at past Courtney and remember that night. The first night with my daughter... not knowing who she would be, or how how she would change me to be. She was a tiny stranger, but she didn't feel that way. She felt like a part of me, which is not all that strange, I guess since I did sort of make her from my body and carry her around for 40 weeks. Present Courtney looks back at the past with a smile. I laugh at my poor former self. Geez, she didn't know what she was getting into! That first night we didn't sleep at all because Sadie wanted us to hold her all night. She screamed and screamed and we couldn't find where the doctor put that darn baby manual so we tried our best to wing it. The next night we sent her to the nursury so we could sleep. Why didn't anyone tell us that was an option the first night? I see my former self a week later crying in the bath tub and not knowing why my apartment felt so foreign and unfamiliar. A few days after that the crying got worse and the terrible thoughts came. I see past Courtney a month later, with the help of a little medication, a wonderful husband, and fantastic friends, learning to relax and enjoy Sadie. After that, the months rolled and rolled by. Her first smile turned into her first laugh. She rolled to her side and then to her belly and then learned to crawl. Her bald head sprouted fine, light brown hair. Her eyes turned green. Two teeth came...and then four...and now six. She can stand up, point at familiar objects, wave "bye-bye", give kisses, "read" books, and completely melt my heart. There have been 5 colds, hundreds of sleep deprived nights, and many tears. Times when I thought "How so much poop come out of such a tiny thing?" as I was cleaning it off of her, myself, and the floor. Times when I wondered if i'd ever sleep again! and times when I just plain wanted to bury my head under a bunch of pillows and cry. But then there are those moments every single day that I look at her in awe; in total amazement for who she is. She is so smart and pure and spirited. She has given us so much laughter and love and countless priceless moments. Thousands of diapers have been changed and so have I. She'll keep changing me as humbly try to help shape her.