Sunday, August 2, 2009

reflection of self

I find it vital for growth to pause from time to time and look at who you are at the moment, while remembering back to the person you were...say...five years ago. That way, you can evaluate how far you've come. Have you deviated from where you thought you'd be or who you thought you'd become? Are there people in your life that you didn't know existed a few years back? What about the ones that used to be there that aren't? What goals have you accomplished and how have they changed as you've changed?

If we don't reflect on who we are, then how do we know who we are? How do we change what we are becoming? Maybe you like who you are becoming. Maybe you've lost track of yourself and forgot who you want to be.

I do this every year. Usually its around New Year. This year, for some reason, this contemplation of self awareness has consumed my year to date.

The "good" reflection of myself: I am married and in a healthy, functional, loving relationship that, thus far, I have managed to not screw up. I pushed two babies into this world and use my every day to fill their cups with more love than they can hold. I have a more solid sense of spirituality and how to continue to enrich it. I've managed to help Jared get us into a house that, only a year ago, we didn't think we'd have for years to come. And most importantly, I've grown more emotionally mature. I owe this to marriage and to birthing two children.

The "not-so-good" reflection of myself: I've realized that after years of marketing myself as a non-judgemental person, I still have judgemental tendencies that stem from wanting to quickly identify and categorize others so that I can avoid getting hurt. I'm working on this. I have abandoned many of my talents. I no longer paint, make jewelry, dance, or sing. Poetry has fallen by the wayside. Run 5 miles straight with out stopping? Ha! I can't run to the mailbox without stopping. And theatre...oh my beloved theatre. I miss you so. Where's my spontenaety? Where's the Courtney that ran from security guards down hotel corridors or traveled down roads just to see where they ended?

The marrying of the two: In order to achieve the "good" i've had to let go of pieces of myself. Its just not practical to travel the world performing on stage while jumping out of airplanes between shows when you have a husband and two kids. I must say, the original plan years ago didn't include a husband and kids. It was soley stages and airplanes. That, in itself, is a huge deviation in plan and I'm grateful. Children don't work well without routine and that leaves little room for wandering. And when your whole day revolves around two little people that are (appropriately) self-centered, it makes it hard to work on yourself. Still, others do it. Why can't I?

I find myself in a creative rut these days; my brain sucked into a holding pattern. I used to be braver; more expressive. I didn't second guess my ability to create. I knew I was an artist. In that sense, I miss younger Courtney. Have you ever felt like parts of you have drifted or died? Parts that you want back? I've become obsessed with figuring out where they've gone and how to retrieve them.

2 comments:

15 painted cards said...

Oh honey, yeah I know how you feel. Even as I'm torn between now being married, wanting the life you have (the house the kids), I still second guess everything I do, and everytime someone says they're amazed that I do what I want and what I love, I'm baffled that they think I'm doing so well. Sometimes I really don't know who I am at all. And looking back over the last 5 or 10 years is such a jumbled mess, it's hard to make sense of it all, or make a concrete list of pros and cons.

All I know is, it's all still there inside you, as long as you don't forget. You'll find the time, as the kids get older and need less and less constant attention, to be creative again. You're still Courtney, and I still love you. You know you have to be special, because I suck at keeping in touch with people, but you're still my angel and you haven't changed in my mind and heart one bit. Everything I love about you is exactly the same.

Keep your chin up, darling, and keep being you, whatever that means. And don't think that being you has to be any one thing. You're still you.

Cherie' said...

First things first, I want you to read this http://deseretbook.com/time-out/view_post/26. Now, it is funny b/c I had read that immediatly before reading your post. I think about the same things all of the time, the only difference is that I don't know if I liked the old me so much. Now on the other hand, things that I liked to to that I don't do anymore, well, I am thinking that I will probably get around to doing those things when both of my kids are in school and I have a little more me time. This is a transition period for us but I am pretty sure it all evens out eventually. We just have to stay steadfast right? I love you Courtney, you remind me that I am not alone in all of crazy thoughts.