reflection of self

I find it vital for growth to pause from time to time and look at who you are at the moment, while remembering back to the person you were...say...five years ago. That way, you can evaluate how far you've come. Have you deviated from where you thought you'd be or who you thought you'd become? Are there people in your life that you didn't know existed a few years back? What about the ones that used to be there that aren't? What goals have you accomplished and how have they changed as you've changed?

If we don't reflect on who we are, then how do we know who we are? How do we change what we are becoming? Maybe you like who you are becoming. Maybe you've lost track of yourself and forgot who you want to be.

I do this every year. Usually its around New Year. This year, for some reason, this contemplation of self awareness has consumed my year to date.

The "good" reflection of myself: I am married and in a healthy, functional, loving relationship that, thus far, I have managed to not screw up. I pushed two babies into this world and use my every day to fill their cups with more love than they can hold. I have a more solid sense of spirituality and how to continue to enrich it. I've managed to help Jared get us into a house that, only a year ago, we didn't think we'd have for years to come. And most importantly, I've grown more emotionally mature. I owe this to marriage and to birthing two children.

The "not-so-good" reflection of myself: I've realized that after years of marketing myself as a non-judgemental person, I still have judgemental tendencies that stem from wanting to quickly identify and categorize others so that I can avoid getting hurt. I'm working on this. I have abandoned many of my talents. I no longer paint, make jewelry, dance, or sing. Poetry has fallen by the wayside. Run 5 miles straight with out stopping? Ha! I can't run to the mailbox without stopping. And theatre...oh my beloved theatre. I miss you so. Where's my spontenaety? Where's the Courtney that ran from security guards down hotel corridors or traveled down roads just to see where they ended?

The marrying of the two: In order to achieve the "good" i've had to let go of pieces of myself. Its just not practical to travel the world performing on stage while jumping out of airplanes between shows when you have a husband and two kids. I must say, the original plan years ago didn't include a husband and kids. It was soley stages and airplanes. That, in itself, is a huge deviation in plan and I'm grateful. Children don't work well without routine and that leaves little room for wandering. And when your whole day revolves around two little people that are (appropriately) self-centered, it makes it hard to work on yourself. Still, others do it. Why can't I?

I find myself in a creative rut these days; my brain sucked into a holding pattern. I used to be braver; more expressive. I didn't second guess my ability to create. I knew I was an artist. In that sense, I miss younger Courtney. Have you ever felt like parts of you have drifted or died? Parts that you want back? I've become obsessed with figuring out where they've gone and how to retrieve them.