Monday, August 4, 2008

Badge of honor

I was in the lucky 20%. Not a single stretch-mark from my pregnancy with Sadie. Sometimes I felt a little guilty that I escaped so easily with out them when so many of my peers were not so lucky. But then, tonight, while doing my routine after-bath tummy inspection, I noticed a cluster of squiggly little reddish-purple scribbles on the left side of my belly button. I tried to make sense of them. They weren't there last night. Maybe they are just left over debris from where I bumped my belly on the corner of the table? I stared at them, they stared right back.

My initial reaction: "Nooo!!! This baby needs to come NOW! I can't have these! They'll get worse if I get any bigger!"

I believed that God knew I couldn't handle feeling any more insecure about my appearance than I already do, so He spared me in the stretch-mark department. So why do I have them this time? After a little bit of thought, I realized that I'm not as upset as I thought I would be. Horribly insecure and body-hating Courtney would be devestated. Yes, I'm not thrilled with them, but I think much of my initial reaction came from a place that thought I should be upset with having them, rather than a place of true feeling.

The marks remind me of an aerial view of where the ocean meets the sand. Little wavy lines gather at the shore of the island of my belly button. Its okay.
Maybe I have them now as a sort of badge of honor. God knows that now I'm stronger, a tiny bit more secure, and ready to accept being flawed. Maybe I'll let them remind that our bodies are beautiful even when imperfect and that they can do amazingly miraculous things (like grow another human being).

5 comments:

Cherie' Mallory said...

Oh Courtney, I love you for that! Jackson gave me my battle scars.....I was a little devestated at first but when I realized how many women have them and mine were not that bad I felt a lot better. I am serious, type in stretch marks on the internet and you will feel dandy about yours. Big hug!

The Nielsons said...

Go You!! I'm not going to lie to you, I cringe when I think of ever having them...but to know that life DOES go on after getting them is great!!! I know that it's not a matter of "IF", but a matter of "WHEN"...so I might as well just promise myself that "WHEN" they come, I will hold it together like you!!

The letter 'M' said...

Don't even sweat it. You are beautiful, and they will fade with time, really. Mine are little whisps compared to what they were and I know yours will fade too. Hang in there!

Suzie said...

You really are lucky to have made it through your first pregnancy with no stretch marks. All three of my pregnancies gave me LOTS of them. They do fade over time. I hope that you're feeling alright. Good luck!!

aidanjordan said...

I just think you are the cutest little preggo ever!