Saturday, May 24, 2008

The Reality of Change

Anyone who knows me well knows that I don't handle change very well. All change. Not just bad change, but good change too. I like consistency...routine...stability. It makes me feel safe.

I laid in bed contemplating the multiplication of our family. Things are going to change and i'm scared.

Last summer, Jared's family took me and Sadie to Idaho for a Rawson family reunion. Jared met us up there later. I remember thinking of Sadie almost as my little doll or a pet that I brought along with me on this adventure. She went everywhere with me. I was her food, her comfort, her everything because she was so young.

I pictured what it would be like this year. She's so...different. She can talk and walk and laughs when she hears us laugh during adult conversations because she wants to feel like she's apart of it. She eats REAL food and has hair (who'da thought she'd ever have hair? Even if it is a mullet) and she likes to watch Blues Clues and Super Why. Sadie sits in a big carseat now that can face the front so maybe she wouldn't cry all the way from Idaho Falls to Provo?

The realization hits me. Sadie is perpetually changing. And because of this I AM perpetually changing and adapting myself to fit her needs. Wow...drastic change that I didn't notice and i'm okay? Yes. I'm okay. Change is okay. And if i'm going to be a mother...well, really if i'm going to live life... I'm going to have to face a life of on going changes. Diaper changes, attitude changes, changes of clothes, changes of homes, school changes,marital changes, changes in the size of our family. My family will continue to age and develop. In three short years I've changed from Courtney Walden to Courtney Rawson - wife to Jared, MOTHER to Sadie, pregnant with baby boy #2, former employee now stay at home mom, Texas state resident, member of the Sonterra ward...I could go on. One day, i'll be lying in bed and realize i'm a grandmother (if i'm lucky).

Looking forward onto these coming months where nursing happens every two hours despite my need of sleep, I look back on Sadie's infancy. I remember the struggle of trying to redefine myself as a mother, and the fear that nothing would ever feel normal again. I kept hearing that everything would be okay in the face of this amazingly scary yet beautiful change in my life. So many people I wanted to punch in the face for telling me that life would ever be okay when I felt like I would never get to go on another date, sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time, or go somewhere and leave without spit up or poop on my shirt. Now I realize that the change that I fought so hard against was what comforts me now.

When life seems stressful or like there's a constant rain cloud over your head or even if it seems to be unmanageable; it WILL change. Just hold on and keep living the best you can. The only thing that doesn't change is that change is evident.


Jamie said...

I feel less scared this time but I feel like when I was at LSU and I was going in for my first real exam. I wasn't nervous because I had no idea how ill-prepared I was. I had no idea what was coming. Holy cow, I should have been so nervous, I was just clueless. I think we'll be fine, though. Holly's making it just fine and she's always our standard to measure things by.

Jenn said...

You are such a wonderful mother to Sadie. I can't wait to see what a boy will bring to your family. How exciting! You are an amazing woman who has come so far and keeps going up. I know you will adapt well to such an awesome change in life... a child of God.

Devri said...

You are great with Sadie, and you will be even better with the next because you will know what to fret over and what you can 'try' to just let go of!! I'm excited for you!! Also, i forgot to ask, did you check out bloglines?? You just have to sign up, it's free, and then add in the blogs you want to keep track of, i just copied and pasted the addresses in mine, but there might be a faster way! i am no pro at it, but i know it is an amazing time saver!!

Kathy said...

It is a big adjustment going from one to two children, but when I get discouraged I just think of all the mothers before me that did it. It is comforting to know you are not alone.
And that Heavenly Father only wants us to be the best "WE" can be!