Home

Space changes when people move into it. Its no longer space, but shaped and defined; marked and bounded by its occupants. A home isn't a home until people live in it and create memories there. Its just wood and sheet rock and cement. People are what make life live.

I struggled to feel at home in this apartment. Part of it was knowing that we'll only be here till March and then we'll move into a house. The other part was something I couldn't put my finger on until now. I didn't get it. I bought pillows for the couch and hung pictures on the walls so why didn't it feel homey? I hadn't lived here before. Living here meant loving here.

It happened slowly. Grandmama and Pa-pa stopped by and then Jared's Mom came. They brought warm, sweet familiarity to this place. They were reliable and comforting in the midst of stark newness. Then, we invited a series of people over for dinner. In between, Jared, Sadie and I developed routines and patterns of loving one another in this space. There were kisses and snuggles and stories read. There were prayers and blessings and tears. Sadie marked the walls and the carpet. I wore in the kitchen cabinets. Jared found his favorite spot on the living room floor. Little by little, this place became less sterile and hard.

This past weekend we had dear friends visit. Troy, Lexi, and Peyton stayed with us and we did our best to show them a little of what we've discovered of San Antonio. I was nervous, wanting them to feel comfortable and welcome and like the brutal drive here was worth it. Hopefully, mission was accomplished. We went to the Riverwalk on Saturday and took a boat tour down the river. That afternoon and evening we ate out; lunch at Genghis and dinner at Perico's. Sunday morning we went to the Japanese Tea Gardens (i'll post those pictures in a later post) and Brackenridge Park before heading to church at 1pm. That evening we made a pizza, played a game and talked and laughed till it was bed time. It was the best weekend i've had since we moved here.

After they left on Monday, I walked around the apartment. I saw how Lexi had taken such great care to make the bed, fold up the pack-n-play, tidy the bathroom (she took out the trash!), and reset the toys in the living room. She reminded me of myself. I have this philosophy of "leave nothing behind but the memories." But the funny thing about this was that by doing those things, she was leaving her mark. That night, right before Sadie went to sleep, I looked at the books she had tucked into a basket in the living room. I saw the puzzle on the floor and the bucket of letters Sadie loves to play with. All of these things were neatly arranged in a way that was different from the way that I normally do it. Suddenly, and quite unexpectedly, I started to bawl my eyes out. I missed her and Peyton and Troy. I wanted the apartment to stay the way that they left it. Why? Because having them here was another piece of what makes this place alive and home and love.

I'm really looking forward to August when my brother Kevin will come to visit. It will be so great to see him after so many months. I've never gone so long without seeing him or the rest of my family. That's really been hard for me. But i'm finding that over time, with the help of people (friends) and my family, other things are getting easier and easier.