Wednesday, October 22, 2008

overwhelmedness

Have you ever felt this way?
Overwhelming love and gratitude and happiness and pride and glee... and exhaustion and guilt and fear and frustration and even overwhelming overwhelmedness (Yes, I said it. Overwhelming overwhelmedness. Proper pronounciation: over-well-med-ness.) so much so that you want to thrust yourself out of a moving vehicle going about 70 on I-10 to escape the choir of screams, chokes, and gags coming from your two beautiful children sitting in the back seat? Okay, so maybe when I'm feeling love, gratitude, happiness, pride and glee the whole jumping out of a car thing doesn't apply, but oh how quickly a happy little moment filled day can go from one side of the line to the other.

Like when you catch your two year old with "Daddy's Deoderant" and she's smiling so you pick her up and find that she's put it under her armpits because that's what Daddy does so you bust out laughing and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Then you turn around and this same child is screaming and throwing a Daninino yogurt and snot is shooting out of her nose because she's crying so hard. Now, the baby is screaming and when you go to comfort him, the two year old screams harder because she's not getting mommy's attention. So you pile these two children on top of you in an attempt to regain peace and sanity but they are both fighting against you so hard you give up.

Lately, I feel overwhelming overwhelmedness. I want to be two people that can give my two children the same amount of love and attention that my one child received before baby #2 came along. I want to have the laundry done, the floors vacuumed, the dishes washed, the errands run. I want to be a supportive wife, a patient mother, a servant of my Heavenly Father, a long-distance friendship keeper, an e-mail returner, a book reader, a playdate keeper, a phone call answerer, a house cleaner. A loving sister, daughter, mother, grandaughter, niece, wife, aunt.

I can't do it. But I WANT to. And wanting too so badly is what is causing the overwhelmedness. Its what's provoking me to buy earplugs to use while driving. Its what's leaving me with enough guilt that I want to cry soft and hard in an attempt to purge it all from the bottom of my stomach. You know, that place that swirls and then tightens with the back of your throat right before a good cry?

6 comments:

DixieJo said...

oh dear... not in a pity way, in an understanding way. oh dear.

Remember to breath. Remember to read all the General Conference talks on not letting ourselves be overwhelmed. Remember President Hinckley's advice to pray about what is most important and trust the Lord's answer - I have found that it is me that wants the floors clean, the bathroom scrubbed and the noses wiped - not Him. Remember President Monson's advice to enjoy it today before it passes. Remember that you can put yourself in time out. Remember that Sadie and Jack are never going to remember you letting them cry it out while you catch your breath or cry too - but you will remember if you don't catch yourself before you snap. Remember there is not one mother on this earth that has not experienced what your so poetically describe. Remember to let yourself be comforted. Remember you are a good daughter, wife, mother, sister, aunt, friend. Remember I am just a phone call, email, or blog away. Remember [women] are that they might have joy - but that we tend to be picky about what we are joyful about. Remember my dear. Remember.

Jessica said...

Courtney...we all get this way. Our dishwasher is broken so I have to do them by hand. Well, I just couldn't force myself to...then it was a huge pile and I just had to force myself to do it. BUT, in that few days I didn't do it, I didn't let it bother me. I enjoyed what I was doing instead. I thought about buying paper plates so we wouldn't have dirty dishes. But I tried to not let the mountain crumble around me.
It doesn't always work. Life is tough. I know it is going to be hard to balance myself among three children, a husband, primary and God in general, life, etc, etc. We will all learn to cope, and eventually the feeling of drowning will go away. Until it does, just pray your hardest that you will just keep swimming.

Jamie said...

Holy Cow! It's like you just wrote a day straight out of my life. The only difference is that Allison always gets my deodorant b/c it's easier to reach and she rubs it on her belly instead of armpits. The two crying babies scene is one I am familiar with, also. The worst time was when both girls were super sleepy but both had been refusing naps for a couple of hours. Allison started it off with a good old fit and then Sara chimed in. All I could do was hold one for a few minutes then switch off. Sara just cried about the same the whole time but Allison would cry like the world was coming to an end when I would put her down to give Sara a turn. It hurt my heart so bad to hear her cry like that. But the good news is that we all survived :). I know you're a good mama and that whatever you're doing, it's the best any person could do. By the way, I'm just going to keep writing super-long comments on your blog since we can't get in a good phone call. Also, I'm thinking about calling you on Sunday to see how that works.

Suzie said...

You couldn't have said it any better! I feel your pain... and love and gratitude and happiness and pride and glee... and exhaustion and guilt and fear and frustration. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone!

AmyB said...

You said it girl! Just remember...we can't be perfect in this life. It is not designed that way. So accept the fact that you are not perfect and that is a gift you are waiting for from your Heavenly Father. Otherwise you are just doing what you can and know how to do...that's all that is required!

Amy Bascom

Holly said...

I was kind of laughing to myself the other day because at the beginning of the day, things were going really well, so well that I was thinking, my life is so good, it is almost too good to be true. Both babies were being really good, and we were having a good time. Then out of no where things got crazy, both babies crying, and I thought how did this happen.

Things do get a lot better. Now that Eli is older I am able to get a lot more done around the house and do a lot more things that I want to do. There will always be those moments (the one I mentioned above happened recently).