Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The general state of wait

Do you ever find yourself waiting? Not just in line at wal-mart, but in a general state-of-wait?

Waiting to grow up because then I'll be cooler. Waiting for prom because it'll be the best night ever. Waiting for graduation because then life will really begin. Waiting for the end of the semester because you can't stand your college algebra professor and once she's out of your life, things will get better. Waiting for graduation because then life will really REALLY begin. Waiting to find that special guy to come along because then life will be complete. Waiting for the wedding day because it'll really be the 'best night ever'. Waiting for the baby to come because then life will really REALLY be complete. Waiting for a better job because then we can afford the life we want. Waiting for baby number two to be born because man its getting harder to breathe and get comfortable and i'm peeing more than sleeping at night and once the baby comes this pregnancy will be over!

Waiting to move, waiting to stop, waiting for whatever big milestone that comes next. Do you ever find yourself waiting for life when all the while life is happening while you are waiting? I do.

It hit me the other day that once this baby is born, I won't get my daily afternoon naps with Sadie and I really enjoy those naps. Not just the sleeping part, but the snuggly cuddly part where I get to watch my little girl dream. Life's gonna change...a lot and i better start appreciating where I am right now.

This month makes 4 years since my dear friend Chandra passed away. I find myself remembering randomly ordinary days we spent together. I'd never call them boring, because you'd never be bored with Chandra. I remember odd things that I think Heavenly Father, in his infinite wisdom, tattooed into my mind so I wouldn't forget them. I remember her hands and her shoulders and the way she would tense her jaw and swallow right before she would cry. I remember how she would talk really fast and then linger on the last word of the sentence when she was trying to explain something that she hadn't thought out completely. I miss her.

I looked at Sadie sleeping next to me and decided to enjoy that moment. Because I don't know what's going to happen in the moment or the hour or the days that follow and she could be taken away from me. Jared could be taken, my family, my home, all of what I have could go away tomorrow. And if I spend everyday waiting for something better to come along, I'm saying that what I have right now isn't worth being present for. And that isn't how I feel at all about my life. I have a great life with irreplaceable people that make it truly a blessed existence. I pray to appreciate life and thought that I was doing that, but how could I be if i'm hurrying life along?

It was almost like I could breathe better. Like I had been holding my breath till that decisive moment. I had given myself permission to live my life...every bit of it. Even the parts that are uncomfortable and boring.


Holly said...

Chandra has been on my mind lately, too. The first time that I met her, I thought that I didn't have much in common with her and probably wouldn't get to be friends with her. I am so glad that I was wrong!

It is so easy to get caught up in waiting for the things that we are anticipating. Your post reminded of a quote in one of Pres. Monsons' talks from several years ago: Professor Harold Hill, in Meredith Willson’s The Music Man, cautioned: “You pile up enough tomorrows, and you’ll find you’ve collected a lot of empty yesterdays.”

Kathy said...

Thanks for the wonderful & though provoking post. I am glad to have found your blog & now have it linked to mine so I can visit more often. I can't believe u are in San Antonio, you know we are in Ft worth. Are you near the Huddlestons? Also my cousin Kenneth & his wife live there too. You will have to email me your address so I can google and see how close you guys all are. My email is kathyfowler17@yahoo.com.

Stacy Hutchinson said...

Awesome post. I've been on a super charged "Present Moment" journey for the past three weeks, and it has been amazing. We have no control over what has happened or what is coming. All we have is NOW. Thank you for sharing that. It was very powerful.

Lexi, Troy and Peyton said...

Courtney, this is Troy. It seems like forever since we spoke last. I enjoyed reading your post. It reminded me of how much preoccupation with the future I have. It also reminded me of how I think of Chandra everytime I hear that DJ Kool song "Let Me Clear My Throat". It was one of those fun songs she couldn't resist dancing to.

By the way, I'm sure Lexi has mentioned that we may be moving near your neck of the woods or to Austin. We will be scouting out both areas this summer and will give you a shout when we are in town. While admittedly Lexi and are just "waiting" for the move, we are still enjoying our time here as much as possible. That being said, I guess I should be off to enjoy the rest of my "today". We'll be in touch.


Jenn Wilson said...

So glad I read your post. You put words down that I was feeling at the time of my post. I mean there are times where you have to take a few steps back to see if you missed anything. For too long I just "waited" and anticipated the "baby" thing and forgot to live in the now. I missed out on a lot and I'm now learning from it. I love you girl. Miss our walks too. Those were the best conversations and helped me through a bumpy time in my life. Thank you!

Jamie said...

I've been thinking about Chandra, too. I think it's probably the time of year. I always remember how she would say, "Are you joking?" really emphatically when she'd hear something unbelievable. I also appreciated the rest of your remarks. I think you were born for blogging. You should consider a career in writing.

Cherie' Mallory said...

Courtney, this blog reminds me of a book that I am reading right now called "A New Earth" by Eckart Tolle. It is one of Oprahs book club books. Oh and also right now on Monday nights you can get online at 8 pm and ask him and Oprah live questions and they discuss it. Anywho, the book is about being present at all times, appreciating the here and now and letting go of your ego. A customer at the bank recommended it to me and I love it.

Also, I didn't ever get to meet Chandra, but I have heard a lot about her. I just know that she is probably thinking right now how lucky she was to have such wonderful sisters here on earth and that she can't wait to see you guys.

Robin D said...

So I wasn't expecting to cry when I decided to check your blog so late! (It's almost 1am)
You put into words (much better than I could) what I've been feeling too. I've been really determinded (and successful so far) to do better on my personal scripture reading and prayers and my how it has helped to be thankful for what I have right now.
And if you knew Chandra its hard not to be thinking of her this time of year. There is so much to say about her and the loving person she is.
And I agree with Jamie. You have a great talent for writing. I'm so glad you're sharing it with us through your blog!