Friday, April 25, 2008

The tiny me

Since we moved here it has become hard to hear Sadie cry. Sure, no one likes to hear a baby crying. Their cries are designed by nature to evoke a response. That's how babies get their needs met. But lately, the response it evokes from me is sadness.

I look at her and see a tiny little me crying because she's scared to be left alone. Scared to be in a strange place. Afraid that the tumultuous and stormy waves will never settle back into the predictable lapping waves that rhythmically fall against the shoreline. I see her just wanting to be comforted and held and told that everything is going to be okay. When she's crying, I want to cry too. I don't want her to be sad because I know what sad feels like. And when Sadie cries, it brings up all of the feelings I try to keep pushed down inside.

I remind myself that she's just a little baby that is crying because she's fighting sleep or is mad that her juice is "gone-gone" and Mama can't refill it 'cause we're in the car. But its not till she settles down that I can actually believe it.

Its then that I can take responsibility for my own feelings. I can tell the tiny little me that I'm not alone and that soon this strange place won't feel so strange. I tell my tiny self that one day I'll realize i'm not keeping track any more of how many days its been since we moved from Baton Rouge and that i'll actually consider this home. I tell tiny me that life will feel consistent again; that things will settle and the bits of sadness that creep up will come less and less often.
Most importantly, I tell tiny Courtney that its okay to feel this way. I let her know that she is normal and sane and that its okay to feel sadness and fear and frustration. Its all part of being.


Cherie' Mallory said...

Big hug to you Courtney! You know with as busy as we are here with all of our friends and family, if we moved I know I would feel the exact same way you do. Sometimes when I am sad I remember being a kid and looking at my parents and I think that they never really cared to do anything to make me happy. It was all about them. I know that my kids don't look at me like that and I know that you strive to give Sadie a wonderful and stable environment. We would never want our kids to feel like we did growing up. Thats what makes us strong. You wouldn't be human if you didn't take this move hard, especially while being hormonoly pregnant. So good job kiddo! Keep up the good work.

Jenn said...

I think you are the best mom to Sadie. And it really shows through her. She is such a great little girl Courtney. If you want to cry with her I don't see what is wrong with that either. It helps sometimes, you know. I'm guilty of pushing things deep down until something as simple and normal as a song or in your case your baby crying can trigger those emotions. And after all we as women feel certain emotions that are just a part of our makeup. It's who we are and defines us as a woman.